Misadventures in Sex - got any tales to share?

[randaddy2017]

Give us a brief description of some of your worst/funny sexual experiences. This isnt a name and shame thread so please keep it anonymous. It is meant to be fun and light-hearted.

1) I once slept with a super popular escort from this site.Gorgeous. Friendly. Sexy. Smart. Everything was perfect. Except she kissed like a hoover. I mean, she would literally suction cup my mouth and tongue, and the more I pulled away, the more she stuck onto me. It hurt. I didnt know whether to say anything or not so tried to subtly redirect the action further south. V sweet girl, too.

2) As a teenager I hooked up with what was an older, and I thought, more experienced woman. I was 16-17 or so at the time and she must have been about 21, I think. My parents were away so I invited her over one night to watch a movie. One thing led to another and we started kissing and fumbling with each others bits. I thought, "Great! Finally some action! Woo hoo!". Shortly afterwards she started squeezing my dick and balls so hard I nearly yelped. Because I was so inexperienced, I thought she knew what she was doing, so I just gritted my teeth and went with it. Haha.

3) And then there is the dreaded toothy blowjob. I've had a few of them. A bit of teeth is good but not too much...

What about u guys and girls?