HOW TO DUMP A MAN
Dear ________,
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavours, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.
Check those that apply...
1. ___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
What's wrong with 'Dongleberry Coolbabe'
2. ___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
I was named after my father, and am very proud to be called Tarquin, shame on you.
3. ___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
Going Dutch in KFC is all the rage these days
4. ___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
I'm in the import / export business - condoms by the truckload is nothing
5. ___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
I fell asleep after the first question. Btw, what was it again????????????
6. ___Your constant e-mailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!
I have plenty of time on my hands because my secretary does my emailing for me, and she's great at dicktation
7. ___Your legs are skinnier than mine.
I find that hard to believe, but you know best
8. ___ You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be
beaten up repeatedly at recess.
What harm would that be It will build his character
9. ___ You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.
We're all the same height lying down. Get over it ffs!!!!!!!!!!!!
10. ___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
????????????????????
Don't see a problem here.
11. ___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
Cleanliness and Godliness, I'm always getting confused between them.
12. ___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
Leave Momma outta this. It's not her fault she loves me so much.
13. ___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
Ah, beam me up Scotty, ffs!!!
14 ___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of
psychotic stalker.
And what's wrong with that. At least I have a hobby.
15. ___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long-term partner.
You should hear me fart the National Anthem. It's a classic.
16. ___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should however, gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
Everything is out of proportion with me, but you weren't complaining when I unleashed my trousersnake, remember
17. ___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.
They were for the staff goodie bags. It's builds up morale and team bonding.
18. ___I am out of your league, so set your sights lower next time
I didn't think I could go any lower. Next stop the Devil's own hell.
Sincerely,