E-I News

[ladiesman217]

Welcome ladies and gentleperves to this evening's E-I news, with the handsome, intelligent, glorious, proud, wise LDM. It has been a while since the last broadcast (and with good reason) but alas we shall persevere [p-e-r... yup spelled that right]. Apologies folks, but due to budget cut backs we have had to sell some of out equipment, namely the teleprompters. Therefore I must conjugate the entire script by myself. A challenge? There is no such thing as a challenge for the Master of Shenanigans (except perhaps solitaire). Now... Before I come along to the news, (if anyone makes a smart comment in relation to that, I'mma gut you with my pitchfork. You have been warned), there has been one major change to E-I news irrespective of the budget cutbacks. E-I news now has a theme tune! Feedback from our viewers has mainly brought back results of E-I news being nothing short of epic. Therefore we need an epic theme. And here it is: Electric Romeo. Unforunately we cannot incorporate the theme directly into the broadcast, so you're gonna play it yourselves (you lazy b*stards...). Now, some bad news. Again due to cutbacks, we have no choice but to cut our adverts after the show. The adverts of sexy ladies in sexy positions... Well from now on E-I news, is just news. Lights go out till the next show. My apologies folks.

The main news this evening: the cost of honesty; yet another sequel to 'Snakes on a Plane'; and finally... Oh dear, it would seem that we only have the funds for two stories this evening. No matter, again we shall triumph against the great evil known as Jedward!

Now... Actually, first let me say that I'm glad those mother-f*cking teleprompters are gone. For years those f*cktards sitting in the big comfy chairs upstairs in the corporate office have held me back from voicing my opinion and holding me back from my full potential. So a little message to you corporate fat cats (no offense Benny)... F*CK YOU ALL!!!!

Back to the news. Emmm what was it? *rumages through pages* Ah yes, of course. Ladies and gents, in this day and age, it would appear that honesty and integrity have been thrown out the window in much of society. Well not for this fellow. A man in Arlington Heights, Illinois, found a bag of money worth £10,000 next to an ATM. What did he do? No, first... What would you do? Think about that. Is your conscience clear? Would you take it, run and blow it all on a week's holidays with one or two of the lovely ladies? I KNOW I WOULD! Well this fellow did not, in fact he did the complete opposite. Like a good little samaritan, he handed the money back to the bank. All's well ends well eh? Well I'm afraid not. Instead of handing it back into the bank where it came from, he decided to hand it into his own local bank near his home as he felt it would result in fewer questions, less of an interrogation you might say. Well did it heck! He gave false information as to the whereabouts where he found it and was fined $500 (£312). "I accept the fine. I'm very sorry about this whole thing," Adams told the Chicago Tribune. He was never offered a reward for returning the cash. Now... He told the police incorrect information as to where he found the mullahs and got that fine. He returned all the money, didn't take any of it, just gave the wrong location as to where he found it (he was caught on CCTV at that ATM picking up the bag). Now I'm sorry, but the punishment does not fit the crime. He handed in £10,000 that he found... And was fined for telling them he found it someplace else. Hardly a case for the rest of us is it? The least the bank could have done was pay the fine for him. But they didn't. Well then... Next time the bank will be £10,000 short cos they were bloody lucky this samaritan is an honest bloke. Or at least, he was...

First, there was 'Snakes On a Plane' with the man, Sammy (not you Kermit!) L.Jackson. Then a couple of months ago, there was snakes on a train somewhere over in the UK. Now the trilogy in complete. The snakes are gone, f*cked out the window, sent flying with their tails... Well I was gonna say between their legs but they have no legs! Jepus cripes! Dangerous mother-f*ckers are snakes. I met a snake once. Nice fellow. Had a couple of drinks with him. Great old craic we had. Then a gang of penguins and ferrets broke into the bar. The snake stood up... Emmm... Well he pulled his body up like, you know what I mean? And he karate-powed the f*ck out of those low life punks! Great guy. Know what his name was? Bob.

Oops getting kinda off topic here. This is what happens when I'm left to my own devices! Anyways... A dozy US man (well he was sleeping ffs) flying from... Well he was flying somewhere in the States with Alaskan Airlines, what the F does it matter where the F the mother-F-ing fool was flying to??? Moving on... *cough*... He woke up after a nice wee snooze to find something on his arm. He brushed it off only to find that it was a mother-f*cking scorpion! I met a scorpion once. Was playing golf with Greg, an elephant friend of mine who flies jumbos, when all of a sudden a tyrannosaurus rex walks onto the course. Greg ran off with his trunk between his tusks whilst I was there looking at the teeth of this nasty mother-f*cker. Then a scorpion arrives. He says to the t-rex: "Yo, Rexy?? Get your bitch ass back to extinction before I send a comet flying up yo bitch ass!!!" And with that, the t-rex walked off with his tail between his legs. Grand fellow was the scorpion. His name? Joe.

Oh ffs I've swayed off again. Well... (where the F was I???) Oh yes. That is to say, ooooh yessssh. Ya your man got stung by the scorpion. He was alright. "I was just nervous, on edge, making sure that my heart was beating normal, that I wasn't sweating”, your man said. He was better than alright cos he was later offered two round-trip tickets, as well as 4,000 frequent flier miles in compensation! Alaska Airlines said that it had never had scorpions on its flights before, and that the creature had probably got on board when the aircraft stopped in Austin, Texas. Well... Don't that beat all?

Well folks, that's it for tonight's edition of E-I news. Again, my apologies for all the cutbacks. Good evening to all and may your evenings be filled with joy and sensual pleasure. This is LDM signing off.