Funniest Reviews

[UKHeather]

Thanks Lucy. They always give me a giggle! I love the 'four countersunk screws' bit

[mer]

any1 see the scatman review lol so funny he wanted her to shit in his mouth :O :O he said put warm milk in her bum hahah

[mer]

here it is what scatman says lol

I asked if she could do hardsports. She responded with when do you want me to give you hardsports? So I was delighted. Said it would be 450 euro. I queried this price. Then I asked her if she could do it in my mouth. She responded with "I can do that, it will be 500 euro. Some more communications followed between us and I asked her to assure me she could actually do it as so many escorts promise but few deliver. She said she'd try. I told her the easiest way was for her to squeeze warm milk up her bum an hour before we'd meet . She said she'd that. She was texting me quite a lot then. I asked her if she was keen because she wanted to do it in my mouth. She replied "Yes!"
I really thought I'd struck gold...It all went wrong once I was inside her door. I'm not making it up about being locked in - and she complained about me being tense! There was scarcely enough room in her bathroom for my face-sitting chair so she reluctantly agreed to do it in the bedroom. What was the problem, we weren't necessarily going to make a mess. Said she felt like it nearer to 12 mid-day. So why arrange our appointment at 2.00p.m. and then still, at the last minute ask me how long I wanted and she goes on about anal etc. being extra. I never asked for anal. Then she said she didn't squeeze the milk up earlier but she let me do that during the session. We had discussed the whole thing earlier, as far as I am concerned she wasn't at all interested in trying anything new. She just wanted the money and didn't care.

[lovethegirls]

any1 see the scatman review lol so funny he wanted her to shit in his mouth :O :O he said put warm milk in her bum hahah

[jammy69]

Go on Joanne, ya gud ting!

I like the sound of that lass although I might have to reconsider my stance on the ladies reviewing us punters after that.

I met her a few times. She was great craic and no clock watcher - normally ended up going over time as we were too busy drinking wine and laughing. She talked about opening a business in London where she was based.

[Lincoln]

here it is what scatman says lol

I asked if she could do hardsports. She responded with when do you want me to give you hardsports? So I was delighted. Said it would be 450 euro. I queried this price. Then I asked her if she could do it in my mouth. She responded with "I can do that, it will be 500 euro. Some more communications followed between us and I asked her to assure me she could actually do it as so many escorts promise but few deliver. She said she'd try. I told her the easiest way was for her to squeeze warm milk up her bum an hour before we'd meet . She said she'd that. She was texting me quite a lot then. I asked her if she was keen because she wanted to do it in my mouth. She replied "Yes!"
I really thought I'd struck gold...It all went wrong once I was inside her door. I'm not making it up about being locked in - and she complained about me being tense! There was scarcely enough room in her bathroom for my face-sitting chair so she reluctantly agreed to do it in the bedroom. What was the problem, we weren't necessarily going to make a mess. Said she felt like it nearer to 12 mid-day. So why arrange our appointment at 2.00p.m. and then still, at the last minute ask me how long I wanted and she goes on about anal etc. being extra. I never asked for anal. Then she said she didn't squeeze the milk up earlier but she let me do that during the session. We had discussed the whole thing earlier, as far as I am concerned she wasn't at all interested in trying anything new. She just wanted the money and didn't care.

Thats actualy kinda weird but it looks like a hard sport appointment can go wrong in a roughly similar way to any standard vanilla appointment.

As yer man in Cool Hand Luke said: "Uuuh..what we GOT here is..uuuhh FAILURE to communicate..."

[samlad]

There is one in particular I had to edit, but the start of it might give the idea of what was to come:

Deedin, i did getting'd my own MOJO back with this fabulous lady.
Once more, i had been let down by an escort (ill report on that later), so i did ringing'd Sofi, and she did making'd herself available. T'was a 1.15pm appointment.
'tid a central location, deedin t'was easy for to parking'd my top of the range German Marque.
Once i got to said location, deedin i did calling'd her own phone, but she dain't picking'd up the phone. i did getting an ominous feeling that i was going to get stood up yet again, but after a few minutes, she did ringing'd me own wireless, cellular, GSM, handsfree, talking contraption.

***Edited as very sexually explicit. Sam.***

[Rayden]

"This was my first time with a Dominatrix I really
enjoyed my time with shirley she took total
control from the get go and made me her slave
aslo she is very sexy a real latino which I love
she is very clean and professional the lady is a
real pro Thank you mistress wiilsee you again
soon"
Shirley is all lady.

[skywalker85]

1st time read this one was in stiches Scatmans Review.


I have my reasons for not writing this review until now. Went into the appartment with (then Melissa,) and first thing I asked to use the bathroom. Then I found I could not open the door. The latch must have collapsed inside. What a situation, I couldn't get out and she was freaking out (understandably,) thinking I had "broken" her door. "What are you doing in my bathroom, why have you broken my door she shouted." I tried dismantling the lock from my side but to no avail. "I will call the police!" she cried. I replied that she should do that as I had better things to do than be stuck in her toilet. Eventually, she called a kind neighbour who pushed some tools under the door and I levered out the door with a big spanner. Considering she had threatened to tell the police I had "damaged" her door, she had a neck to then tell me that when I eventually emerged I was to behave like one of her friends, not a punter.
So, fellow punters, make sure when you visit an escort that you have AT LEAST a 19mm. open ended spanner handy. It really is a jungle out there.

[Ric Hardgear]

Here ya go

From reading her previous reports, I sensed that some of Sasha's services were provided at her discretion, so I scrubbed my cock with a Brillo pad and showered in De-Flea Pet Shampoo.

It was Sunday and I was feeling bewildered by the election debates. I needed a distraction – the sort of distraction that comes in an hourglass figure. When Sasha walked into the room she looked utterly gorgeous. In full webbing she was a wondrous sight. When I gave her a hug, my firmness pressed intto her stomach.
"You are hard so soon!" she exclaimed.
I smiled. "It's only polite to extend a greeting on arrival."

There was a slightly awkward moment when we both seemed unsure of what to say next. There was only one thing to do - I unzipped my flies and took out The Persuader. Sasha knelt down and took me in her mouth for some oral without. I was standing next to a mirror. Have you ever noticed the way your cock looks bigger in a mirror (and a shop window). Anyhow, after about three minutes she stood up and gave me a fulfat kiss. I felt honoured - she'd brought along her 'A' game today.

We moved onto the bed and the oral continued with her rubbing her hands all over my body. We indulged in some reverse oral and 5 different sexual positions. I asked to finish with a handjob. She applied some lube and wanked me at a steady pace. As her arm tired, the pace slowed. This enhanced the pleasure and after 76 strokes my bellybutton filled with jizz.

Sasha has a quiet, serene manner. She provides a subtle service and responds best when handled courteously. She's more Charlotte Bronte than Charlotte Roche, so I'd leave the nipple clamps and car battery at home, and prepare yourself for a gentle, delicate encounter with a beautiful girl.





A long-haired lovely.
Comments: One of the problems with booking a working girl in advance is that come the day of the appointment, you may not be in the mood. And, truth be told, when Saturday arrived I felt weighed down with lethargy and I sensed the beginnings of a malady. This has since turned out to be a chest infection. But anyhow, I soldiered on.

Inside the room, I fingered through a copy of Farmers Weekly while I waited. The new Massey Ferguson MF2300 Tractor is a compact-yet-versatile partner that will plough on even in difficult circumstances. As does Trixi. I was reading the specifications when, faintly, through the white noise of tinnitus, I heard the door open. In walked Trixi wearing what looked like 3 postage stamps covering her unmentionables. I scanned her body with hungry eagerness.

I presented her with a small box of chocolates. "Gosh! Thank you so much!"
A few moments later, I presented her with an even larger gift.
I felt a bit sorry for Trixi because my weakened constitution lessened my vigour. Indeed, I was in the most vanilla of moods. No boundaries would be tested today and no envelopes would be pushed.

Her lips, devoid of lipstick, were pale like anaemic raspberries, thus accentuating her colourful eyes. Her eyes were piercing blue, and were almost as gorgeous as my own. She lowered her head and looked coyly at me. Nice technique. I kissed her. She kisses fully (avec le tongue), although, like a lizard in the sun, it takes her a little while to warm up. It's worth the wait.

Throughout the 28 minutes we spoke little - most communication being by way of nods, winks, and gestures. I had a quick squeeze of her modest assets, but she seemed keen to get me on the bed. I didn't mind as I appreciated the opportunity to lie down. I undressed and lay on the faux fur cover. It was time for younger talent to take the lead. Trixi's small hand clasped my cock, flattering its length and girth. Her small mouth opened wide to the point of dislocation to facilitate engulfment. She gave me an excellent prolonged blowjob (without) interspersed with shaft-licking, ball-sucking and wanking. Eye contact was almost constant. Whenever she glanced up, her hair fell across her right eye. It was a sexy look.

Towards the end of the blowjob I began to experience a mild softening. This was my fault for earlier trying to keep the wolf from the door. To make amends, I took my penis in hand. Trixi lay on top of me and kissed my neck and I slowly regained full turgidity. As I wanked myself, my hand brushed against her skin. I think she found this quite erotic because she rubbed her minge up and down my thigh - which was nice.

She took the reins for the final few strokes and I orgasmed strongly. Despite feeling under the weather, Trixi brightened my day. When I stood up to get dressed, I caught my my foot in the disloged bedcover and staggered around like a bull with BSE.

that prose is plagarised, beautifuly written ,i know that passage.mmm