- Tonight I am going to organize a group sex session in my apartment. Do you want to come?
- Of course! How many people are coming?
- Three, if you bring your girlfriend.
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One woman stops a taxi.
- To the airport, please.
After ten minutes the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says:
- You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today.
- Are you kidding me, I am not pregnant.
- Well, you haven’t arrived to the airport yet neither
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comicbookguy (17-06-11), mer (16-06-11), patty (16-06-11)
The Irish Prostitute
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return,
her father cussed her. \"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not
write to us, not even a line? Why didn\'t ye call? Can ye not understand
what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, \"Sniff, sniff...dad....I became a prostitute. \"
Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You\'re a disgrace to
OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur
coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for
$5 million dollars For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye
daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that\'s
parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a
breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board
my new yacht in the Riviera, and....\"
\"Now what was it ye said ye had become?\" says dad.
Girl, crying again, \"Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.\"
\"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant\' Come here and give yer old man a hug!\"
A PROSTITUTE IS LYING IN BED....
A prostitute is lying in bed between tricks studying a dictionary. A koala bear enters through the window and performs oral sex on her. When the koala turns to depart, the prostitue says, "Hey, wait a minute." The koala looks at her, puzzled. "I'm a prostitute." says the prostitute. Still, the koala appears clueless. The prostitute turns to the entry for prostitute in the dictionary. The koala reads, "Prostitute: Person who engaged in sex for money." The koala then takes the dictionary, turns to the entry for "koala" and hands it to the prostitue, who reads:
"Koala: Australian marsupial that eats bushes and leaves."
AN ENGLISHMAN, SCOTSMAN AND AN IRISHMAN WALK INTO A BAR....
An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar and each orders a pint of beer.
A fly lands in the Englishman's beer, and he just pushes the beer away and refuses to drink it.
The fly then lands in the Scotsman's beer. He just picks the fly out, and continues to drink his beer.
The fly lands in the Irishman's beer. The Irishman picks the fly out of the beer and begins to shake it violently over his cup and shouts, "Spit it out, you bastard!"
Two men were having a conversation. One man said "I bought
my wife a necklace and a scarf for her birthday, in case she
didn't like the necklace, she could cover it over with the
The other man said "I bought my wife a book and a vibrator
for her birthday". The other man asked "Why buy her a
vibrator as well?".
The man replied "I told her that if she didn't like the
book, then she could go and f*ck herself".
A DRUNK WALKS UP TO AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN IN A BAR.....
A drunk walks up to an attractive woman in a bar and whispers in her ear, "I wan't to rip your shirt off and suck on your boobies".
The woman points across the bar and says, "See that big, hulking guy over there, he's my boyfriend and if you don't leave me alone, I'm gonna get him to beat the crap out of you".
The drunk slinks away but soon musters the courage to try again, saying to the woman, "I want to take off your pants and lick your ass".
Again, the woman says, "I'm not kidding, leave me alone or I'll get my boyfriend to kick the living shit out of you".
The drunk however is not deterred and whispers to the woman, "I want to turn you upside down, fill your pu$$y full of whiskey, and drink you dry".
In a rage, the woman crosses the bar to speak to her boyfriend. "See that drunk over there, he said we would rip my shirt off and suck on my boobies!".
The boyfriend stands up and says, "I'll kill him".
The woman goes on, "He also said he would take off my pants and lick my a$$".
The boyfriend turns red with rage and starts to cross the bar, but the woman holds him back and finishes the tale, "He then said we would flip me upside down, fill my pu$$y with whiskey and drink me dry"!
Suddenly the boyfriend turns pale and sits down. The girlfriend says, "What's the matter, aren't you going to kick the snot out of him?"
The boyfriend replies, "Anyone who can drink that much whiskey is too tough for me!"
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A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
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It's weird when my mom kisses her grand kids goodnight.
Mostly because they're still in my testicles. lol haha
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A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.
His wife is lying in bed reading.
The man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."
His wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."
The man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
I was talking to a guy from Belfast last night and he told me that he was a member of the lemon order.
"Surely you mean the orange order?" I asked.
"No", he replied. "We're more bitter than them." hahah
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patty (16-06-11), ThomasJ (17-06-11)
I was at a restaurant yesterday when this woman started to breastfeed her baby. Almost instantaneously, everyone in the restaurant stopped what they were doing and stared in horror.
Maybe standing up with my cock in my hand and shouting, "I'm next!" was a bad idea. lol
A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints". lol
So much for a lunar eclipse, I couldn't see a thing, the Sun was in the way the whole fucking time! lol