Good evening to all my favourite perves and pervettes. This is LDM for the last edition of E-I news. Our top headlines this evening: E.coli cause unconfirmed; Man City fan gets Man Utd tattoo; and finally tonight, a special video of everyone's favourite feline mod, Benny, as he tackles the hardships of working in the E-I office.
Despite previous allegations, the cause of the E.coli virus spreading throughout Europe is now unknown. Spanish cucumbers were originally blamed for the origins of this outbreak, which has so far killed over 16 people in Germany, with over 360 confirmed cases in the country. Authorities still advise people to not eat cucumbers, tomatoes and lettuce, which I'm sure is bad news for those of you whom have failed to yet find a suitable replacement for cucumbers for pleasuring purposes. EU officials have reported that three cases of this E.coli virus have been reported in the United States. For guidelines on how to decrease your chances of coming (oh shut up, ffs coming was in the dictionary before cumming!!!) in contact with this virus, please watch last night's broadcast.
A 24 year old Man City fan, Rodney Ward, has had a Man Utd logo tattooed onto his chest after losing a bet. Ward and Utd fan Paul Madden decided to bet each other over which club would finish highest in the Premier League last August - with the loser getting the other club's crest tattooed on his chest. Ward said: "As it is I'll just have to grin and bear the fact I've got a United logo on my chest". This just goes to show my friends, that gambling is dangerous (as I'm sure the mental incursions this bloke will suffer for the rest of his tattooed life will haunt him beyond the grave). The only thing worse would be a Ranger's fan with a Celtic logo... Ouch. Awkward!!! Well there's only one thing left to say about this...
What is it they say? A picture's worth a thousand words?
Finally tonight, our secrete undercover reporter for E-I news (JAMESCORK) has uncovered intimate details of good old Benny, trying his hardest to tackle the most strenuous and mind boggling tasks that are to be conquered within the E-I office. Benny was unaware that this was being filmed and when sought later, he could not be reached for a comment. JC was making his way to the photocopier room to photocopy his butt cheeks to advertise his escorting services when he spotted Benny failing to operate the most simple of equipment, apparently making love letters for his beloved Ruby. Of course unknown to poor Benny at the time, Dr Love was tapping Ruby in the staff kitchen not 10 metres down the hall.
There you have it folks. I would like to thank the staff of E-I news for their help and expertise during the lifetime of this news channel. Yes, there have been many f*ck ups, internal disputes and awkward moments of a sexual nature between all staff members (myself included) but I'd like to think we've all put that behind us now. Most of all though, I would like to thank all of you, my loyal viewers for sticking by me for the short duration which I have been broadcasting. It has been a real pleasure entertaining you, boring you to death, and in some cases just plain annoying the hell out of you. I appreciate that not everyone enjoyed this news channel and that some of you may be happy to see this come to an end (if anyone has any smart comments about that last sentence I will personally shoot you). But for most of you, I hope that you have enjoyed all the broadcasts and that all of us here at E-I news brought a little lol, rofl, or sometimes just a plain old giggle to your lives. This has been LDM for E-I news, signing off for the last time. Have a pleasant evening.