Good evening. This is LDM for E-I news. Our top headlines tonight: Ruby's identity revealed; new date for apocalypse; and finally, scandals and shenanigans of a sexual nature in the E-I newsroom!!!
First, we have been getting many emails as of late as to what Ruby looks like. For those of you who don't know, Ruby is the 25 year old daughter of the newsroom's chief and a lady who (invisibly) helps me broadcast the news to our loyal fans. Incidentally, I have made sticky time with Ruby on multiple occasions but that's irrelevant. You may notice that she is not here tonight, well that is due to the fact that she is not very supportive of having her picture posted online for all you perves to to. Well it was the chief's decision to have his daughter's pic posted on tonight's broadcast, in the hopes of attracting a wider audience. So I shan't delay it any further, ladies and gentleperves I hereby present to you, Ruby!
Next tonight, nutty US priest Harold Camping, the gentle old codger behind May 21st's Rapture, has now stated that the new deadline for Judgment Day is to be October 21st. He stated that the events (or lack of) on May 21st was a spiritual Judgment Day rather than a physical one. He said he believed rapture didn’t come because God decided to spare humanity five months of "hell on earth". Ok... Ya I'm bored with this sh*t faced frozen tampon langer religious nutter... For more details please visit the following site, which also includes a video of an interview with said nutcase: http://uk.news.yahoo.com/new-deadlin...-20110524.html
Finally tonight, scandal in the E-I newsroom. Let me begin by saying that I was ordered by the chief himself to deliver this, therefore I am in no way responsible for any fall outs which may occur due to this information being leaked. It has come to the attention of the chief (due to an anonymous source) that one of his senior advisors has been tapping his wife Rachel. For reference purposes only, I have included a pic of said strumpet below:
The identity of the senior advisor in question has also been revealed by the same source. And that senior advisor is none other than: *drum roll*.....
Now I must report that the source who leaked this information to the chief has been found battered and blooded and is in severe condition in hospital. The police have asked me to submit a statement to all readers/staff of the E-I news regarding this assault.
"You all had a motive, every one here.
You knew that the chief changed his will and left everything to the anonymous source.
And that's why you wanted the fecker out of the way.
Benny wanted to get a passport for his twin sister to get her out of the cat box but the anonymous source wouldn't allow it.
But Benny didn't count on LDM discovering he has no twin sister.
And Benny himself was recently released from the cattery.
And that's where Sam came into the picture....."
Thank you all for watching. If anyone has further details regarding the assault on the anonymous source (whose name rhymes with Payden) please contact your nearest police station. This has been LDM for E-I news.