In the coldest, dankest depths of the Patcave...
DOOZER: Tohse trhee trheadbare trees over tehre.
PATRICIA: Those three threadbare trees over there.
DOOZER: I'm never going to get it right, Mammy!
PATRICIA: Keep trying. Or stay away from words that start with "th". So how are you, Carlos Marvado? I hear you're loaded these days?
CARLOS: Yah, Oi'm focking minted, roysh. Oi speak fifty-seven languages, make loike a million yoyos a day and droive a focking top of the range Merc. Dublin to Galway in focking fourteen seconds, roysh, that's me. Why Oi'm even hanging out with you subhuman peasants online is focking well unfathomable to me, roysh. But it's payday tomorrow and Oi focking well want my moderator money and free roide paypalled to me on toime or there'll be trouble, roysh?
PATRICIA: Of course. You don't think I'm some sort of evil money-grabbing internet witch queen, do you? I'm trying to provide a service here on E-I, helping perverts get their holes more easily. Now pass me my Diamante handbag so I can get my Platinum American Express card from my wallet that's made from the sweat and tears of poor people.
DOOZER: Who's tihs coming down the stairs?
GAYLORD: Cooeeeeee!!! Hello girlth!! It'th me!!!
CARLOS: Oh for fock sake, loike. It's Gaylord. Loike, how's it focking going, Gaylord. That's a noice shade of pink you're wearing.
GAYLORD: Thtop dithcriminating againtht me!!
CARLOS: Loike, how was I -
GAYLORD: You athinged a thexual orientathion to me just becauth I wear pink, have a mouthtathe and an effeminate lithp, and lithten to the fucking Thithor Thithterth all the time!!
CARLOS: Focksake, you're such a focking gaylord, roysh!
GAYLORD: You're in denial, Carloth. I know you thometimeth look at me in that way.
CARLOS: I focking well do not, roysh!!
PATRICIA: Calm down, you two. We have a problem. That odious little smartarse Mousey has someone on the inside. One of us, probably a mod, is feeding him information as to what goes on down here and he's putting it up in General Chat.
GAYLORD: Jethuth Chrith! A thecurity breach! Doth he know about the bodieth at the bottom of the bathement?
CARLOS: Or the hundreds of dodgy escort profiles we have on standby for when demand starts to drop?
DOOZER: Or teh List, part trhee?
PATRICIA: I don't know yet. He might.
GAYLORD: I dethpithe Mouthey, he'th always giving me thit on my forumth. I'd love to thpilt hith anuth with my thlong.
DOOZER: Put taht tihng away!!
CARLOS: It must be a mod, roysh, or one of the regular posters who knows a lot about how we work, loike. Oi'll ask around, roysh - we should draw up a list of suspects as soon as possible.
GAYLORD: Thumbody out there knowth thumthing!
PATRICIA: Good. Then you are both dismissed. And not a word on the forums - whoever this traitor is, we must not let him think that we know about him. Our culprit probably doesn't even reply to Mousey's threads, feigning indifferencre. Therefore, we must be subtle.
CARLOS: Loike, exactamundo super subtle, roysh.
PATRICIA: We must be devious.
GAYLORD: Oh, tho very deviouth.
PATRICIA: Spread the word amongst the mods. And someone get me Alec Horan's phone number.....
[TO BE CONTINUED]