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Thread: Customer Service

  1. #1
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    Default Customer Service

    Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

    "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
    "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
    "What sort of trouble?"
    "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
    "Went away?"
    "They disappeared."
    "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
    "Nothing."
    "Nothing?"
    "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
    "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
    "How do I tell?"
    "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
    "What's a sea-prompt?"
    "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
    "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
    "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
    "What's a monitor?"
    "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
    "I don't know."
    "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
    "Yes, I think so."
    "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
    ".......Yes, it is."
    "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
    "No."
    "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
    ".......Okay, here it is."
    "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
    "I can't reach."
    "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
    "No."
    "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
    "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
    "Dark?"
    "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
    "Well, turn on the office light then."
    "I can't."
    "No? Why not?"
    "Because there's a power outage."
    "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
    "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
    "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
    "Really? Is it that bad?"
    "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
    "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
    "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

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  3. #2
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    Quote Originally Posted by Forrest View Post
    Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

    "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
    "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
    "What sort of trouble?"
    "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
    "Went away?"
    "They disappeared."
    "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
    "Nothing."
    "Nothing?"
    "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
    "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
    "How do I tell?"
    "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
    "What's a sea-prompt?"
    "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
    "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
    "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
    "What's a monitor?"
    "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
    "I don't know."
    "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
    "Yes, I think so."
    "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
    ".......Yes, it is."
    "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
    "No."
    "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
    ".......Okay, here it is."
    "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
    "I can't reach."
    "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
    "No."
    "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
    "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
    "Dark?"
    "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
    "Well, turn on the office light then."
    "I can't."
    "No? Why not?"
    "Because there's a power outage."
    "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
    "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
    "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
    "Really? Is it that bad?"
    "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
    "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
    "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
    How fucking dare you spy on my calls
    a thousand kisses deep..

  4. #3
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    Im in the biz and this does happen a lot....well done forrest...

  5. #4
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    Anon was in a long line at the grocery store, and as he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

    She asked, "What size condoms?" Anon replied that he didn't know.

    She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."

    Rover was next in line, thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.

    She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."

    A few customers back was Westside. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.

    She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...

    "Cleanup, Register 5!"

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  7. #5
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    A United Airlines gate agent in Denver when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

    A crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

    Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

    The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

    The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

    Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

    With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you."

    Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

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  9. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by Forrest View Post
    Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

    "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
    "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
    "What sort of trouble?"
    "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
    "Went away?"
    "They disappeared."
    "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
    "Nothing."
    "Nothing?"
    "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
    "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
    "How do I tell?"
    "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
    "What's a sea-prompt?"
    "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
    "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
    "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
    "What's a monitor?"
    "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
    "I don't know."
    "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
    "Yes, I think so."
    "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
    ".......Yes, it is."
    "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
    "No."
    "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
    ".......Okay, here it is."
    "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
    "I can't reach."
    "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
    "No."
    "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
    "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
    "Dark?"
    "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
    "Well, turn on the office light then."
    "I can't."
    "No? Why not?"
    "Because there's a power outage."
    "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
    "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
    "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
    "Really? Is it that bad?"
    "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
    "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
    "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
    Aren't them always helpfull.........u ring u talk u hang up......in the end ur still are at the same level u were b4 u called them....
    Last edited by diannasweet; 08-10-10 at 00:33.
    Don't miss my visit in your town/city...

  10. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by diannasweet View Post
    Aren't them always helpfull.........u ring u talk u hang up......in the end ur still are at the same level u were b4 u called them....
    It's a bit like some of the timewasters that escorts have to deal with.

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  11. #8
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    The first post is obviously not an actual conversation.

  12. #9
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    memo to ibm employees


    To: Whom this may concern

    Re: Replacement of mouse balls

    If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.

    Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

    Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method.

    Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

    Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

    Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

    Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.


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