Married Bliss

[Forrest]

There are three stages in marriage:
1. Early. You like it best when your wife wanks you off, then fucks you.
2. Intermediate. You like it best when your wife lets you fuck her, so you don't have to have a wank.
3. Long-term. You like it best when your wife fucks off, so you can have a wank.


A bloke says to his wife 'bend over and we'll try the social security position'.
She says 'what the ruddy ell is that'.
He says 'when my balls touch your arse, you're getting the full benefit'.



The most common form of marriage proposal:
"YOU'RE WHAT!?"

[Forrest]

Last night the local peeping tom knocked on my mother-in-law's door and asked her to close her curtains.


My mother-in-law asked me. “If you hate me so much, why is my photo on the mantelpiece?”
I replied. “To keep the kids away from the fire.”


I bought my mother-in-law a chair for Christmas, but she won't plug it in.


A man was told by his doctor that he had only six months to live.
He decided to move in with his mother-in-law, because he knew
that living with her for six months would seem like an eternity.

[Forrest]

A man gets up one morning to find his wife already in the kitchen cooking.
He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied
Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."


Q. Why did St. George divorce his wife?
A. Because, one fire breathing dragon in his life was more than he could stand.

[Forrest]

A woman says to her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."


Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner.
Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife
by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love,
Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice,
that after all these years that you have been married,
you keep calling your wife those pet names."
Morris hung his head and whispered,
"To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."

[Forrest]

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.
The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says,
“Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.”
“Because,” the man says, ”I live in a two-story house.”
The Judge replies, “What kind of a reason is that?
What is the big deal about a two-story house?”
The man answers, “Well Judge, one story is
‘I have a headache’ and the other story is
‘It’s that time of the month.’”


Three old men are discussing their sex lives.
The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and
I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with
olive oil, we made passionate love, and she
screamed for 5 minutes at the end."
The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife
and I had sex I rubbed her body allover with butter.
We made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes.
The old Jewish man says, "Well last week my wife and
I sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz
(kosher chicken fat), we made love and she screamed for 6 hours.
The Italian and Frenchman were stunned.
They replied, "What could you have possibly done to make
your wife scream for 6 hours?"
"I wiped my hands on the drapes."

[Forrest]

A sex-starved wife is fed up with her boozy husband. Every night he comes in drunk and falls asleep straight away. It comes to a point where she hasn't had a good shag for over a year and is considering divorce.
After another night in the pub, she decides to confront him when he gets home. When he staggers through the front door, before she can have a go at him, he coos "baby, get upstairs to the bedroom".
She can't believe it - at last he's going to give her one.
They get to the bedroom and he rips off her clothes.
"Now darling do a hand-stand against the full length mirror on the wall".
"Hmmm," she thinks "KINKY. I like it."
She does the handstand and her hubby pulls her legs apart and
puts his chin between her legs right on her muff.
"The boys down the pub were right," he says, "a Goatee WOULD suit me!"

[Forrest]

My wife simply does not understand the business world. She insists I'm cheating on her, despite my clear explanation that I'm simply out-sourcing the sexual component of her job description to free her up for other projects.



Did you hear about the couple who finally became sexually compatible?
They achieved simultaneous headaches.


A man meets his ex- wife and says to her,
"I had a wet dream about you last night, I dreamt
you got run over by a bus and I pissed myself laughing".

[Forrest]

The impotent bus driver goes to see his doctor.
He wants some Viagra, but he doesn't want his
wife to know about it. The doc prescribes it for
him, he heads to the pharmacist, who fills the
prescription. Home is a good hour away so the
bus driver quickly downs one of the little blue pills.
When he gets home, he doesn't even have to tell
his wife with words. That twinkle in his eye speaks
volumes. They tear off each other's clothes and
are quickly in bed. He manages to "rise to the
occasion" three times!!!!!
He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead,
she seems rather sad.
"What's wrong, dear?" he asks
"I think your job is taking over every aspect of
your life and it's doing you in," she sighs.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, even our sex life is like the bus service.
Nothing for ages, and then -- three come all at once!"

[Forrest]

At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest of honour,
was about to deliver his speech when his wife sitting at the
other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the
word "KISS" scribbled on it. A guest seated next to the
speaker said, "Your wife has sent you a KISS before you
begin your speech. She must love you very much."
The speaker replied, "You don't know my wife.
The letters stand for 'Keep It Short, Stupid'."

[Forrest]

My wife's started to show the first signs of Alzheimers.
She said she can't remember what she ever saw in me.


When Marie found out on her wedding night
that the guy she'd married was gay,
she didn't know which way to turn.

A woman was at a friend’s wedding and the friend's father
asked her to dance with him. He was pretty drunk,
but she figured what the hell.
So, they were dancing and she asked,
"So, are you enjoying yourself, Richard?"
He said, "I prefer Dick."
She said, "Well so do I, but what does
that have to do with anything?"