Married Bliss

[emmasweet]

A minister was called to a local nursing home to perform a wedding. An anxious old man met him at the door. The pastor sat down to counsel the old man and asked several questions.
"Do you love her?"
The old man replied, "I guess."
"Is she a good Christian woman?"
"I don't know for sure," the old man answered.
"Does she have lots of money?" asked the pastor.
"I doubt it."
"Then why are you marrying her?" the preacher asked.
"She can drive at night," the old man said

[emmasweet]

A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE ...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:
1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.
Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"
"Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."
"Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied,..... "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

[emmasweet]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you.
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in

[luvin it]

Thanks for the laughs Forrest and remember marriage is like a game of cards in the begining all you need is two hearts and a diamond but in the end you will wish you had a club and a spade!
liberty love xxx

Lmao lol. Thats brilliant Liberty.

[Forrest]

Soon after marriage, a lady's husband stopped wearing his wedding ring.
She asked, "Why don't you ever wear your wedding band?" He replied, "It cuts off my circulation."
She answered back, "It's supposed to!"


Doug: I think my marriage is in trouble.
Bill: Why do you say that?
Doug: Today I overheard my wife telling a friend she prefers fishing to sex. "It's not as boring," she said

[Forrest]

A recent survey done by marriage experts shows that the most common
form of marriage proposal these days consists of the words: "You're what?!?"


A person receives a telegram informing him about his mother-in-law's death.
It also enquires whether she should be buried or burnt.
He replies, "Don't take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes."

[Forrest]

A woman is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes of loved ones may be dumped into the sea.
She had been married to a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage finally died.
The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he felt a plot would cost too much.
After the memorial services, she went to the railing and poured his ashes out into her hands and started talking to him.
"Henry," she said, "you know that mink cape I wanted all my life?
Well your company sold for so much that now I have bought myself a beautiful full length mink coat."
"And Henry," she said, "you know that trip to the Caribbean I always wanted to take?
Well, I took a world cruise for 90 days and it was wonderful!"
"And Henry," she continued, "you know that big blue Cadillac I had been hoping for the last 5 years?
Well I bought a Rolls Royce instead and it drives like a dream."
"Oh, and Henry," she said, "you know that blow job you always wanted?"
and she blew the ashes out of her hands into the sea . . .

[Forrest]

John came home from work and found his four children outside, still in their pajamas,
playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife, June's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there
was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the hall, John found an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over, and the rug was piled up against one wall. In the front room
the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and
various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the worktop, the fridge door
was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small
pile of sand was spread out by the back door.

John headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for June.
He was worried she might be ill or have had an accident.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way under the bathroom door.
As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor.
Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and sink.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found June still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
John looked at June, and asked, 'What happened here today?'

June smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me
sarcastically what in the world I do all day?'

'Yes,' was John's startled reply.

June answered, 'Well, today, I didn't do it.'

[emmasweet]

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

[samlad]

The wife left a note on the fridge:

"It's not working, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay at my Mother's!"

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold. I have no idea what in the hell she was talking about... the fridge works fine!

WOMEN! Who can understand them, eh?