Married Bliss

[Forrest]

Congratulations Forrest! Cant say one of them is not funny....each one put a smile on my face!!
Thank you...

Thanks Rachel. That's very nice of you. Glad you enjoyed them.


Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses and lies on the bed spreadeagled and
says "You know what I want don’t you?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "By the looks of it, the whole fu*kin bed !"

[Forrest]

If my son farts or has his hands down his pants, my wife smiles and says, "Like father, like son!"
Yesterday we caught him shagging the neighbour's daughter but for some reason it wasn't funny when I said it.


My ex-wife was so cold that when you spread her legs a little white light came on!


I felt a bit fed up today so to cheer myself up I watched my wedding video backwards.
I love the end bit where I take my ring off, go back down the aisle , jump in the car and fu*k off.

[Forrest]

Two Women were chatting in the office.
Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?
Woman 2: Yes.
Woman 1: Was it good?
Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner
in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes,
rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me
out to a romantic dinner.. After dinner we walked for an hour. When
we came home he lit candles around the house and we had an hour
of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and
afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands were talking at work.
Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?
Husband 2: Great.. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate,
screwed my wife and fell asleep. Result! What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because
they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to
take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't
have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour
and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to
light fucking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't
get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After
I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my
wife was jabbering away for another fucking hour.

[Forrest]

Donald and Daisy duck have just got married and are spending their honeymoon
at the Las Vegas Hilton. Donald is feeling mighty randy tonight and cant wait to
give Daisy a good seeing to! He waddles over to her on the bed, takes off her
lacey underwear, is just about to slip it into her when Daisy cries,
"Stop right there Donald, Where’s your condom"?
"Fuck off Daisy, we’re married now, I never packed them and besides, where am
I gonna get condoms at this time of night ?"
"I don’t give a shit", she says, "you are not poking me without a condom."
Muttering and swearing to himself, Donald storms out of the Bridal suite and
downstairs into the lobby thinking, god what am I going to do. He walks up to
Reception and asks the lady in an embarrassed tone,
"Err, where can I get some condoms from, please miss ?"
The receptionist having seen and heard it all before replies,
"Right here sir, we have plenty in stock, would you like me to put them on your bill ?"
To which Donald replies, "What do you think I am? A fuc*in pervert or something ?"

[Forrest]

A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents room,
and he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mum
and dad shagging for all they were worth.
"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing?"
"It’s ok," his father replied. "Your mother wants a baby, that’s all."
The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back
to bed with a smile on his face. Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the
bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving his father a blow job.
"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing now?"
"Son, there’s been a change of plan," his father replied.
"Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW."

[Forrest]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy drinks it down in one gulp.

"Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad musta happened"
"I came home early today, went up to the bedroom and there was my wife having sex with my best friend"
The bartender pours the dude another triple shot. "This one’s on the house".
The guy gulps it down again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ?"
The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her, "We’re through.’ ’Pack your bag’s and get out," I told her!"
"What about your friend ?" asks the bartender.
"I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG"

[Forrest]

I've been trying to teach my mate how to play golf
recently but the problem seems to be his drive.
His wife stands on it and doesn't let us out.


Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and
asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,
"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!


I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first divorced me but the second one won't.

[Forrest]

Q: What's the difference between a terrorist and a wife?
A: You might be able to negotiate with a terrorist.


A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner.
So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him
if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had
been married a long time.
He responded, "Sure. You can carry your own suitcases!"


A woman asks her husband: "Be honest, does this skirt make my bum look big?"
"Of course not, darling," He replies. "Don't be so silly"
Flattered, the woman is about to kiss him when he adds:
"It's all that bloody chocolate you eat that makes your bum look big"


A newlywed is telling her friend how she's been teaching her husband manners.
Suddenly he rushes in and shouts: "How about a quickie?"
Shocked the girls friend says: "I thought you were teaching him manners?"
"Oh but I am" she says "A month ago he wouldn't have even asked"

[Forrest]

My missus came home tonight and found me in bed
with another woman. She said, "Who the fuck is she?"
I replied, "Don't fucking start. It'll be hard enough
trying to explain to her who you are."


Q: Why do so many brides get crow's feet as soon as they are married?
A: From squinting and saying: "Suck what?"


My late wife always told me I could get away with murder.
So far, so good.

[Forrest]

I received a blank text from my wife the other day.
When I got in from work I asked "Why did you send me a blank text?"
She replied "Because I'm not talking to you."


Marriage is like the witness protection programme.
You get new clothes, you live in the suburbs and
you’re not allowed to see your friends any more.