Married Bliss

[Forrest]

My ex-wife was so cold that when you spread her legs a little white light came on!
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Husband: "How about a little action tonight, honey?"
Wife: "Over my dead body!"
Husband: "How else?"
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The Ideal Wife should be beautiful, but not so beautiful that people think you married her only for her beauty.
And The Ideal Wife should be wealthy, but not so wealthy that people think you married her only for her money.
And The Ideal Wife should be gentle, but not so gentle that she can't suck a tennis ball through a fifty-foot garden hose.

[Forrest]

A man was prescribed Viagra by his doctor who told him to take it one hour before sex.
The man collected his prescription and went home to wait for his wife to get in from work.
An hour before she was due home, he took the Viagra pill. But just as he was expecting her,
she phoned to say that she wouldn't be in for another two and a half hours.
In a panic, he phoned the doctor. "What should I do?" he asked.
"I've taken the pill but the effects will have worn off by the time my wife gets home."
"I see," said the doctor. "It is a pity to waste it. Do you have a maid?"
"Yes." the man replied. The doctor said "Well, could you not occupy yourself with her instead?"
"But I don't need Viagra with the maid."

[Forrest]

A young couple on the brink of divorce decided to visit a marriage counselor.
The counselor asked the wife about the problem.
"My husband suffers from premature ejaculation," she said.
"Is this true?" the counselor asked, turning to the husband.
"Well, not exactly," he replied. "She's the one who suffers, not me."

________________________________________________________

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that
you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

________________________________________________________________

A man and his wife are fucking.
Fifteen minutes has passed,
30 minutes, then 45 minutes.
Sweat is pouring off both of them.
The wife finally looks up and says,
"What's the matter, darling,
can't you think of anyone else, either?"

[Forrest]

A man and woman are standing at the altar,
about to be married, when the bride-to-be looks
at her prospective groom and sees that he has
a set of golf clubs with him.
"What on earth are you doing with those golf
clubs in church?" she whispers.
"Well," he says, "this isn't going to take all
afternoon, is it?"

______________________________________

A husband and wife were playing on the ninth
green when she collapsed from a heart attack.
"Please dear, I need help. " she said.
The husband ran off saying, "I'll go get some help."
A little while later he returned, picked up his club
and began to line up his shot on the green.
His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said,
"I may be dying and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second
hole who said he'll come and help."
"The second hole??? When in the hell is he coming???"
"Hey! I told you not to worry." he said, practice stroking his putt.
"Everyone's agreed to let him play through."

[Forrest]

Ladies, these are some general rules for some issues from the man's perspective.
Please read carefully and accept us for what we are.

Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

You can either ask us to do something Or, tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football
or golf.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[Forrest]

A man was brought before the judge and charged with necrophilia.
The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard
such a disgusting, immoral thing.
Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and
throw away the key!"
The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons;
1, It's none of your damn business;
2, She was my wife;
and.....
3, I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!"

[Forrest]

Dan married one of a pair of identical twins.
Less than a year later he was in court filing for a divorce.
"Tell the court why you want a divorce," the judge said.
"Well, Your Honour," Dan started, "every once in a while
my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because
she and my wife are identical, sometimes I'd end up making
love to her by mistake."
"Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said.
"Exactly, Your Honour. That's why I want the divorce!"

[Forrest]

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those!" she said. "They're for after the funeral."

[Forrest]

Not long after his marriage, Ernie Junior and his father Ernie senior, met for lunch.
"Well son," asked Ernie senior, "How is married life treating you?"
"Not very well, I'm afraid," sighed junior, "It seems I married a nun."
"A nun?" his father questioned.
"That's right," moaned Ernie junior, "None in the morning, none at night, and none at all unless I beg!"
Ernie senior nodded knowingly and slapped his boy on the back a couple of times.
"Why don't we all get together for dinner tonight and have a nice talk?"
Young Ernie smiled, "Say, Dad, that's a great idea!"
"Fine," replied Ernie senior, "I'll call home and tell the Mother Superior to set two extra plates."

[Forrest]

After a brief, sex free relationship, an elderly couple finally decide to marry.
Before the wedding, they have a long conversation about how things might
change in married life, discussing finances and living arrangements before,
eventually, the old man enquires about ‘doing the wild thing’.
“How do you feel about sex?” he asks, rather hopefully.
“Well,” thinks his partner, “I’d have to say I like it infrequently”
The old man pauses. “I see,” he says, “just to clarify, was that one word or two?”