Married Bliss

[Forrest]

A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime.
After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape.
His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news.

Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little travelled
routes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of.

Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell.

His wife opened the door and bellowed at him,
"You good-for-nothing bum!
Where the hell have ya been?
You escaped over six hours ago."



The chicken and the egg are laying in bed.
The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a
satisfied smile on its face while the egg is
frowning and looking slightly annoyed.
The egg mutters "Well I guess that answers that riddle".

[Forrest]

Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off,
and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.


Words can not describe the deep feelings I have for you... But "Bitch" comes pretty close.


Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.


Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.


There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her.
They got married, and now he is going through hell.

[Forrest]

Before Marriage:
John – Ah… At last, I can hardly wait!
Jane – Do you want me to leave?
John – NO! Don’t even think about it.
Jane – Do you love me?
John – Of course! Always have and always will!
Jane – Have you ever cheated on me?
John – NO! Why are you even asking?
Jane – Will you kiss me?
John – Every chance I get!
Jane – Will you hit me?
John – Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Jane – Can I trust you?
John – Yes
Jane – Darling!

After Marriage:
Read from the bottom back to the top…

[TheBestPoster]

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's self-raising, isn't it?"

[Forrest]

A man takes his wife to the cattle market. They come up to a bull, and his sign says, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year; you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull, and his sign says, "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That's over five times a month! You could learn from this one, also."

They proceed to the last bull, and his sign says, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open, and she says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That's once a day! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "I'll bet it wasn't 365 times with the same cow."

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A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

[Forrest]

My wife told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.
Then I caught her spending $65 on make-up.
So I asked, how come I had to give up stuff and not her.
She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back.

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Wife says: 'You think so much of golf that you don't even remember when we were married.'

Husband replies: 'Of course I do, my dear, it was the day I sank that forty-foot eagle putt.'

[Forrest]

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned-cupped herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband, “Bruce! Bruce!” and he came running in.

“Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor,” she said.

“S’truth, Sheila!” Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. “You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber.”

They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor.

“No way, we can’t do it!” Cobber said, “So let’s try Plan B.”

“Plan B?” exclaimed Bruce, “What’s that?”

“I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her.” replied Cobber.

“Spot on.” Bruce said, “While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples.”

“Play with her nipples?” Cobber said, “Not exactly a good time for that mate!”

“No…” Bruce replied, “But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper!!!”

[Forrest]

A man says to his wife, “I fancy kinky sex, how about I blow my load in your ear?”
The wife hastily replies, “No, I might go deaf!”
To which the man replies, “Nonsense!!! I’ve been shooting my love wads in your mouth
for the last 20 years and you’re still fucking talking aren’t you?”

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The Doctor says ”Your wife either has Alzheimer’s or AIDS.”
To which the husband asks ”How can we find out which?”
The Doctor replies ”I need you to run a little experiment this weekend.
Take your wife to a park and leave her there.
If she finds her way home, don’t fuck her.”

[Forrest]

Q. What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares?

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, & good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q. When does a woman most want a man’s company?
A. When he owns it.

Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
A. If you slice them very thinly it takes 3 average size men.

Q. Why do men get married?
A. So they don’t have to hold their stomachs in any more.

Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes

Q. Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
A. So they can find their way back to the house.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge & go to bed.
Married women come home, see what’s in bed & go to the fridge.

[Forrest]

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says: "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
The guy replies: "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back:
"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downed the first drink and shook his head: "Yeah, my wife!"