Married Bliss

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[Me4711]

A man comes into the room and says to his wife: “I’m going to the pub. Get your coat on.”
The wife, delighted that he has included her in his activity replies: “Does that mean you are taking me with you, darling?” The husband replies: “No, I’m turning the heating off!!!”


A young boy says to his father: “How much does it cost to get married?”
His dad replies: “I don’t know son, I’m still paying for it.”
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I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months now - I don't like to interrupt her. The last time we had a fight, it was my fault. She asked, 'What is on the TV?' I said 'It looks like Dust'.
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A woman says to her husband: “What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He replies: “It’s not my fault. I ran out of money.”
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On a very hot day, a man decided to sunbathe naked in his secluded back garden.
“I wonder”, he says to his wife, “what the neighbours would say if they could see me.”
“They would probably say that I married you for your money” replied his wife.
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One neighbour says to the other: “I hate to tell you, but your wife just fell down the wishing well”
The other guy replies: “So it works then!!!”
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A guy gets home, runs into the house, slams the door and says: “Honey, pack your bags, I won the lottery!” The wife replies: “Wow! That’s great! I’m so happy! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?” He says: “I don’t care. Just get the hell out!!!”
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Remember that marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically 100% of all divorces started with marriage. I married Ms. Right, I just didn't know that her first name was ALWAYS.

A man says to his neighbour ... "My Wife drives me to F..king Drink" ... the Neighbour replies ... "Ur lucky I have to walk"

[Forrest]

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[Forrest]

I had two women in my bed the other day.
I got home from work and discovered my wife is having a lesbian affair.


My wife keeps telling me I shouldn’t pee in the bath –
or if I really have to I should at least wait till she gets out.


I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.
Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.


Man to friend: ‘My wife’s a peach.’
Friend: ‘Because she’s so soft and juicy?’
Man: ‘No, because she has a heart of stone.’

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On the morning of her birthday, a woman told her husband,
“I just dreamed that you gave me 
a diamond necklace. What do you think it means?”
“Maybe you’ll find out tonight,” he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
She ripped off the wrapping paper and found a book titled The Meaning of Dreams.