Married Bliss

[La Toya]

Marriage in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle....!

[emmasweet]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband came into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!
TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going 2 STICK! Careful.. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget that. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[mills68]

Bernie and Eddie were fortunate enough to have a season ticket to watch Manchester United. They could not help noticing that there was always a spare seat next (K37) to them and they had a friend who would love to buy a season ticket, especially if all three could have seats together.

One half-time Bernie went to the ticket office and asked if they could by buy the season ticket for K37. The official said that unfortunately the ticket had been sold. Nevertheless, week after week the seat was still empty.

Then on Boxing day, much to Bernie and Eddie's amazement the seat was taken for the first time that season. Eddie could not resist asking the newcomer, 'Where have you been all season' . Don't ask he said, the wife bought the season ticket back last summer, and kept it for a surprise Christmas present.

[emmasweet]

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the
other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her -- "Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!"
"Good to see you".
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?", the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took
care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion.
And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my
head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", the woman told him.
"Which word?", her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."

[emmasweet]

Wife : Honey before we got
married , you used to give me gifts
and expensive jewellery.
Husband : Yes…so ?
Wife : How come you don’t do it
anymore ?
Husband : Have you ever seen a
fisherman give worms to the fish
after catching it?

[Forrest]

[UB40]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

[emmasweet]

[emmasweet]

William and Mildred decided to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. William went to the front desk to check them in while Mildred stayed with the car. As he was leaving the lobby, a young woman dressed in a very short skirt introduced herself as Candie. William brushed her off.

When William and Mildred got to their room, he told her that he'd been approached by a prostitute.

"I don't believe you," laughed Mildred.

"I'll prove it," said William. He called down to the desk and asked for Candie to come to room 1217.

"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us."

Soon, there was a knock on the door. Candie walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. "So, I see you're interested after all," she said.

William asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

William was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."

Candie laughed. "You must really be an old-timer if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said William, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

After she left, Mildred came out of the bathroom. "I just can't believe it."

William said, "Let's go have a drink and forget it. "

Back downstairs at the bar, the old couple sipped their cocktails.

Candie came up behind William, pointed at Mildred, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

[Forrest]