Joke of the day

[Rod Stewart]

Anyone got anymore updates please? These are hilarious. Harry your's are fucking priceless, love them!!

[emmasweet]

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. "Guaranteed my ass", he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day 10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me you can have me!"
Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business."
The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.
So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
He's after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it's worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50 pound loss program. "Are you sure," asks the representative on the phone, "this is our most rigorous program..." "Absolutely," he replies. "I haven't felt this great in years!"
The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, I can have you!"

[emmasweet]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

[emmasweet]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you.
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

[royaler]

Hey Emma, love your jokes ... hope you like this one ... .........


Wife comes home late at night
and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket
she sees four legs instead of two!

She reaches for a baseball bat
and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done,
... she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters,
she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. :s

"hi darling", he says,
"your parents have come to visit us,
so I let them stay in our bedroom.
Hope you have said hello to them.

[emmasweet]

Hey Emma, love your jokes ... hope you like this one ... .........


Wife comes home late at night
and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket
she sees four legs instead of two!

She reaches for a baseball bat
and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done,
... she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters,
she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. :s

"hi darling", he says,
"your parents have come to visit us,
so I let them stay in our bedroom.
Hope you have said hello to them.

If this joke become real oh poor parents