Joke of the day

[Forrest]

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee.
His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly.
"That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor.
She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

[Forrest]

Catholic boy in confession says bless me Father I have sinned. I had a wank while thinking about my sister.
That's a disgrace said the priest, especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.


A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100m final.
I laughed "Over in 9.5 seconds"? "No" she said "Eight black men and a gun".

[Forrest]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?"
So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him,
"We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"
His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

[emmasweet]

A guy comes into a bar and asks the barman to place 10 mugs and fill in with the beer. The bartender places mugs and starts filling them. The guy follows him and drink beer immediately. The bartender asks:
-Why are you so in a hurry?
-If you would have, what I have, you would be also in a hurry.
The bartender steps back a little bit and asks:
-And what do you have?
-Somewhere around 70 cents...

[ladiesman217]

Clyde: "Hey guys, LDM is officially the new mod!"

Best joke ever!!!!!

[UB40]

Unexpected sex – that’s a great way to wake up. If you are not in a prison…

[emmasweet]

On a beach a man shouts at another man:
- Tell your son not to imitate me.
A man to his son:
- Son, stop playing the fool.

[UB40]

One morning Tom calls to his boss:
- Good morning, boss, unfortunately I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my both hands and legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work."
The boss replies:
- You know Tom, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that.
2 hours later Bob calls:
- Boss, I followed your advise, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house.

[Forrest]

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she started to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued,
running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping
a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "that there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

[Magicman]

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely..

So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion

And that it would be a woman.

He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,

And when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,

And will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will praise you!

She will bear your children.

And never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and

Passion whenever you need it.'

Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'

'An arm and a leg.'

Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib

Of course the rest is history..... .......!! !!