Joke of the day

[whiteball]

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[whiteball]

An engineer dies and goes to hell.
Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and
building improvements. After a while, hell has air conditioning
water, flushing toilets, and escalators. The engineer is really
popular now.
One day, God asks asks Satan, "So, how are things going there?"
Satan says, "Why things are going great. We've now got air conditioning,
ice water, flushing toilets and escalators. There's no telling what this engineer
is going to come up with next. He's simply brilliant!"
God is horrified. "What, you've got an engineer? That's clearly a mistake! He should
never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up
here immediately!"
Satan says, "No way, I really like having an engineer on staff. I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue you."
"Yeah, right," Satan laughs. "And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

[eoinmurphy]

Gor this one from the lads WhatsApp group hahahah.

What do a woman and a bar have in common?

Liquor in the front, poker in the back.

[whiteball]

Little Johnny is lying in bed, busting to go to the toilet.
So, he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living
room, and finds his mother chatting to a bunch of her
friends.
"Mommy," Johnny yells at the top of his voice, "I gotta
pee, I gotta pee!"
Well, needless to say, the mother is mortified at her son's
language in front of her guests and scolds the young boy.
"Johnny, we do not shout that word in this house! Next
time, just whisper, okey?"
Little Johnny nods sheepishly. His mother takes him to
the bathroom and tucks him back into bed. The next night,
little Johnny is busting to go to the toilet again.
So, he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room,
and there his mother, having a glass of wine with her friends.
"Mommy! I gotta whisper, I gotta whisper!" he says.
His mother excuses herself and takes Johnny to the bathroom,
smiling at her son's innocent mistake. But relieved that he was
at least more discreet than last time. She then takes Johnny
upstairs and tucks him into bed.
"Well done sweetie," she says, kissing him goodnight, "That was
much more polite"
A few nights go by and low and behold, little Johnny is busting
to go to the toilet again. So, he gets out of bed, runs downstairs
into the living room, and there is his dad watching TV. "Daddy!"
Johnny says softly, "I gotta whisper, I gotta whisper!"
"Aw, is that so, little buddy?" says his dad, his eyes fixed on the television.
"Come on over here. And whisper in daddy's ear."

[Lukeob]

Anto’s missus was in the Rotunda Hospital, ready to give birth to their first child.

When they arrived, the nurse asked, how dilated is she, sir?

Anto replied, ‘Delighted? She’s over the fu*kin moon!‘”

[whiteball]

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[powersupply]

A husband went to the police station to file a “missing person” report for his missing wife:

Husband: “I lost my wife, she went shopping and hasn’t come back yet.”

Inspector: “What is her height?”

Husband: “I never checked.”

Inspector: “Slim or healthy?”

Husband: “Not slim, she can be healthy.”

Inspector: “Colour of eyes.”

Husband: “Never noticed.”

Inspector: Colour of hair?”

Husband: “It changes according to season.”

Inspector: “What was she wearing?”

Husband: “Not sure. It may have been a dress or maybe a suit.”

Inspector: “Was she driving?”

Husband: “Yes.”

Inspector: “Tell me the type and colour of the car?”

Husband: “A black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0-litre V6 engine generating 333 horsepower teamed with an eight-speed Tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. It has full LED headlights, which use light-emitting diodes for all light functions. It has a very thin scratch on the front left door and then the husband started crying.”

Inspector: “Don’t worry sir, we will find your car!”

[whiteball]

A cowboy swaggers into a bar, and can't help but notice a horse
standing in the corner. He says to the bartender, "I'll take a scotch-
and what's with the horse in the corner?"
"See this pile of money?" the bartender says, showing him a jar full
of bills. "If you can make that horse laugh, you can have it all"
"Alright," said the cowboy.
So the cowboy strutted over to the horse and whispered in his ear.
The horse erupted into some serious laughter. The cowboy walked
back to the bar, downed his scotch, grabbed his jar full of money,
and left.
A couple of weeks later the cowboy returned to the bar. The horse was
still in the corner. "Do I get more money if I make him laugh again?"
The cowboy asked.
"Heck no!" The bartender said, "See this pile of money?" As he showed
him another jar stuffed full of bills. "If you can make that horse cry, you
can have all of it."
"Alright," said the cowboy. So he strutted over to the horse, patted the
horse on the nose, and led him outside to the alley.
The cowboy and the horse were in the alley for just a few minutes. When
they returned, the horse was bawling his eyes out.
The bartender was amazed!
"Can I have my jar full of money?" The cowboy asked.
The bartender nodded, "Sure, but before I hand it over, you gotta tell me,
how did you do it?"
"Well to make him laugh," said the cowboy, "I told him that my manhood
was a lot bigger than his."
"You're kidding," the bartender said. "So, how'd you make him cry?"
"Well," said the cowboy, "When I took him out in the alley. I proved it."

[powersupply]

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so
I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing,
and I said, "Nothing."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"
At that moment, I would have needed to clarify that men ponder deeply on diverse subjects, sparking further inquiries.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.

[whiteball]

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