Joke of the day

[willie wacker]

[whambamdan]

A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

‘You disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me – a faithful wife, the mother of your children? I’m leaving you. I want a divorce!’

And Paddy (for it was he) replied, ‘Hang on just a minute, love, so at least I can tell you what happened.’

‘Fine, go ahead,’ she sobbed, ‘but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!’

And Paddy began – ‘Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for y ou last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight.

The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t use because someone at work has the same pair.’

Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued – ‘She was very grateful for my understanding and help, and as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘Please… Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?’

[Clueless]

Ah very sad!!!

[whambamdan]

A dog walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender goes to get him a drink, but then realizes how ridiculous this is and wakes up from his dream. He rolls over to tell his wife about it, but she ignores him. He begins to cry silently, realizing his marriage is in shambles.

[whambamdan]

There was once a fella from Dublin who was seeing a girl from down the country who was up working in the smoke. One day, the Cailín decides to ask the fella down home to meet the parents. She also suggests that they should consummate their relationship, as until this stage they hadn't, as she was a traditional sort of girl.

So the fella packs up the car, and off they set. On the way, they pull in for petrol, and the guy goes in to pay. Next door is a pharmacy, and the fella decides he better pop in for some condoms, seeing as the first time was gonna be tonight.

On the shelf, there were many different brands, and being a young fella, and still a virgin, the fella wasn't really sure which one to choose. The pharmacist, noticing his confusion, offers his assistance and recommends durex as the best brand.

"Cheers", says the fella, "it'll be my first time" he adds in a lowered voice. The he spots the larger packs, and says "should I maybe get a bigger pack?"
The pharmacists eyes widen at the prospect of a bigger sale and he says why yes, we do 3, 12's and super size packs of 24."
The fella says ah sure, he better go for the super size pack. "It's our first time, so we're bound to need a bit of practice. I might fúck it up first time or something".

So the couple arrive later on at the parents' house and soon they're sitting down to dinner. The fella greets the parents jovially, but after that as the night wore on, the fella is avoiding talking to the father, and as this becomes evident, the girl takes him aside.

"You seem very nervous about meeting my family", she says, "I never knew you to be nervous!"
The fella replies, "well yeah, but you never told me your father was a pharmacist!"

[whambamdan]

I suggested to my wife to try masturbating with fruit.

She went fucking bananas.

[Clueless]

If I ever go missing, you should put my picture on beer rather than milk bottles. This way, my friends will find me faster.

[willie wacker]

[Barney Rubble]

A dog walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender goes to get him a drink, but then realizes how ridiculous this is and wakes up from his dream. He rolls over to tell his wife about it, but she ignores him. He begins to cry silently, realizing his marriage is in shambles.

One day later and I still don't get this one. I know that by posting this I will sound like an edjit but sure wtf! !

[jezza]

Just one of many anti-jokes, guaranteed to get forum members hitting their keyboards, posting replies.
As a forum Administrator myself, I've often posted similar, just to bump up the forum statistics.