Joke of the day

[whiteball]

A lawyer boarded an airplane in Dublin with a box of
frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take
care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's
fridge.
He advised her that he was holding her personally
responsible for them staying frozen mentioning in a very
haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to
rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw
out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in London, she used the intercom
to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who
gave me the crabs in Dublin, please raise your hand."
No raised their hands.
Two lessons here:
1.Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2.Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

[Its only me]

Guy gets pulled over by Garda.

Garda: Sir, I have caught you on my speed gun going over the speed limit. Can you tell me what you do fir a living?
Guy: I am rectum stretcher.
Garda: Rectum stretcher! What’s that?
Guy: Well, you start with 1 finger, then 2 fingers then 3. Then a fist , then the arm and so on. Until its 6 foot.
Garda: 6 foot…. What do you do with a 6 foot asshole?
Guy: give the cunt a speed gun and put him on the side of the road.

[joggon]

Jamie Vardy still playing at 62 to pay off his wife’s legal fees

[ford pefect]

Some women are funny…..
They don’t have sex with their husbands for weeks and then want to
Kill the the woman that does !!

[whiteball]

On their way to get married, a young catholic couple sitting outside the P:early Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder, could they possibly get married in Heaven?
St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.
Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple set and waited for an answer..... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed
to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together
forever?
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking some what bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple.
"But we were just wondering; What if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frighten couple.
"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

[joggon]

[joggon]

check
Hatt Mancock MP
@HattMancockMP 6hr

cant post it here obv

[joggon]

[whiteball]

There was a gentleman who went a hostel to ask
if any ladies would like to go for a ride in his boat
up the river, one lady replied that she would love
to go up the river with the gentleman and said he
would bring a bottle of wine, two glasses and some
chicken sandwiches, they got in the boat and they
headed up the river and when the gentleman got
to the fork in the river he said to the lady Up or
Down at whish time the lady ripped of her clothes
and then ripped of the gentleman's clothes and
they made love, later they dressed, the gentleman
took the lady back to the hostel and arranged to
meet again.
On the next boat cruise he again came to fork in
the river and asked the lady Up or Down, she replied
Up.
He said, "Last time I asked you, you ripped of our
clothes and we made love," the lady replied. "I didn't
have my hearing aids. I thought you said Fuck or Drown."

[whiteball]

There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who
insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full
of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the
way this old guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowed waiting room
and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, "Yes sir,
what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't
come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,"
he said.
The Receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some
embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have
said there is something wrong with your ear or something
and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a
roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he
had taken her advise.. "And what is wrong with your ear sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter....