Joke of the day

[dr love]

Little Johnny was walking home from school with his mum, telling her about his day..."Mummy, at playtime, I saw Daddy's car go into the woods Aunty Jane was with him".."Oh ",said Mum," carry on".."Then, me and Jack sneaked out and followed them and saw them kissing and..".."Stop!" Said Mum,"Why don't you save your story and tell us all tonight, so Daddy can hear too". So at the table , little Johnny, told them.."I saw Daddy's car go into the woods near school and me and Jack went into the woods. We saw daddy kissing Aunty Jane then they took their clothes off and did that thing what Mummy and Uncle Bob do when Daddy's at work".. Mum fainted..
The moral of this story is;

Women should always shut up,listen and let people finish before interrupting.

[Forrest]

A salesman knocks on the door of a home and it’s answered by a 12 year old boy
with a cigar in one hand and a half empty bottle of scotch in the other.
The salesman asks the boy, “Excuse me son but is your mother or father home?”
To which the boy replies, “Does it fucking look like it?”

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A big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.
The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.
But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize
any animal’s skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he
would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up
the drinks, and so the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced “Bear.”
Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, “Shot with a .308 rifle.”
He was right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had
in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said,
“Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle". He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again,
every time against a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell
of a shiner. He said to his wife, “I know I was drunk last night, but not
drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?”

His wife angrily replied, “I gave it to you. You got into bed, put your hand down my panties,
fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, “Skunk, killed with an axe.”

[Forrest]

A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost.
Finally he spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house
and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking on
her tits and an old man jerking himself off. He is so freaked
out that he goes to the next house and says “What’s up
with your neighbors?” and the owner of the house says
“Oh that’s the Robinson’s, they’re both deaf. She’s telling
him to go milk the cow and he’s telling her to go fuck herself!”

[Forrest]

Forrest says "I fear that I might really be on fire if I visit Shirleyy, even with James for protection"

Anon replies: "That langer, protection, You should put that in your joke of the week thread!"

And voila! It is done(except it's joke of the day ffs)

[Forrest]

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.
At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, ''Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention ... the assembly line for the automobile changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want.''
Ford thinks to himself about it, and says, ''I want to hang out with God Himself.''

The befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God.
Ford then asks God, ''When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?''
God asks, ''What do you mean?''
''Well,'' says Ford, ''You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much front end protusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting, and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. fuel consumption is outrageous.

.................just to name a few.''

''Hmmm ...,'' replies God, ''Hold on a minute.''
God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results.
In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it.
God then turns to Ford, and says, ''It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics,
more men are riding my invention than yours."

[Forrest]

I decided to take a day off from work and go golfing. I was on the fourth hole, when I discovered
a small frog sitting on the green. I paid it no attention until I heard, ''Ribbit. Nine iron.''
That's curious, I thought, but decided to trust the frog. I pulled out a nine iron, and sunk a hole-in-one.
Amazing! So I picked up the frog and headed to the fifth hole. I asked the frog what club to used and it said, ''Ribbit. Three wood.'' I used that club and sunk another hole-in-one! I continued an amazing round of golf.

At the end, I asked the frog where we should go next. ''Ribbit. Vegas.''
So we went to Vegas, and I asked the frog what we should do first. ''Ribbit. Roulette.''
So we went up to the roulette table, and I asked the frog how much I should wager. ''Ribbit. Three thousand dollars.''
It was a lot of money, but I ponied up anyway. Needless to say, I won big! I took my earnings and got the best room in the hotel. Once we were up there, I asked the frog if there was anything I could do to repay it. ''Ribbit. Kiss me.''
I figured, what the hell, it's just a frog. So I kissed the frog, and it turned into a 15-year old girl.
That's how she ended up in my room, and if I'm lying, my name's not William Jefferson Clinton.

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Q: What will history remember Bill Clinton as?
A: The President after Bush!

[Forrest]

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early?
"I was stung by a bee", she said.
"Where", he asked.
"Between the first and second hole", she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

[Forrest]

Grandma Goes to Court
Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years.
Defense! Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!"….And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!

[Forrest]

The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer. On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette."

"One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.

The African ambassador was much impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year. When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette".

So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women.
The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you oral sex - take your pick". The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:" One of them's a cannibal."

[Forrest]

One day, little jonny asked his mom what sex was.
"Tonight, go into your sister's room, hide behind the curtain, and watch what she and her boyfriend do.
The following morning, jonny's mom asked what happened.
Little jonny explained "well at first, they were just kinda talking and laughing, but after a while they started kissing and hugging, sister got a fever, cuz she said she was feeling hot.
So sister's boyfriend put his hand under her shirt to find her heart, just like the doctor would.
Except he's not so smart because both of them got sick and they started panting and getting all out of breath.
His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt.
About this time sis got worse and began to moan and sigh, and squirm around and slide to the end of her bed. then i finally found out what was making them sick - a big eel had gotten inside her boyfriend's pants somehow.
It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long! anyways he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.
When sis saw it, she got really scared - her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling to God and stuff like that.
She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen, I should tell her about the ones by the lake, anyway sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off.
All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and tried to keep it from biting again.
Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it, and the boyfriend helped by lying on top of the eel.
The eel put on a heck of a fight. Sis started moaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.
After a while, they both stopped moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough they had killed the eel!
I knew because it just hung there and also because some of its insides were dripping out.
Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to the bed anyway!
He started hugging and kissing her again! by golly, the eel wasn't dead!It jumped straight up and started to fight again.
I guess eels are like cats-they have nine lives or something like that. this time, sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it.
After a 35 minute struggle they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead because I saw sis boyfriend peel it's skin off and flush it down the toilet!"
Little jonny's mom fainted