Joke of the day

[CraggyJack]

Hope this uploads ok

[whiteball]

A body builder takes off his shirt
and a blonde says, "Whow what a
great chest you have!" He says,
"1oolbs of dynamite Babe!" He
takes off his pants and the blonde
says, "What massive calves you
have!" He replies, Thats 100lbs of
dynamite babe!" He then removes
his underwear and the blonde goes
running screaming in fear. He puts
his clothes on and chases behind her.
He catches up with her and asks why
she ran like that.
The blonde replies, I was afraid to be
around all that dynamite after I saw
how short the fuse was!"

[whiteball]

A fireman came home from work one day
and told his wife, "You know, we have a
wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1
rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2
and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings
we're ready to go on the trucks. From now
on," he said, "we're going to run this house
the same way. When I say Bell 1, I want you
to stripe naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you
to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're
going to make love all night."
The next night the fire man came home from
work and yelled, "Bell 1!" and his wife took off
her clothes. "Bell 2!" and his wife jumped into
bed. "Bell 3!" and they began to make love.
After two minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4!"
"What the hell is Bell 4?" the husband asks.
"Rollout more hose," she replied, "you're
nowhere near the fire."

[whiteball]

A guy comes home completely drunk one night.
He lurches through the door and is met by his
wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she
demands.
"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon.
Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden
doors, a golden floor and even the urinals are
gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the
next day checks the phone book, finding a place
across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls
up the place to check her husband's story. "Is
this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the
bartender answers the phone.
"Yes, it is," the bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do."
"Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the
bartender yelling, "Hey Duke, I think I got a lead
the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night."

[whiteball]

A woman was enjoying a good game of golf
with her girlfriends.
"Oh no," she suddenly exclaimed. "Look at
the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner
for my husband! He will be so pissed off if its
not ready on time."
When she got home, she discovered all she
had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an
egg and a can of cat food. With no time to go
to supermarket, she opened the cat food, stirred
in the egg and garnished it with the wilted leaf.
She greeted her husband warmly when he came
home and then watched in horror as he sat down
to eat his dinner.
To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it.
"Darling, this is the best dinner you have made
me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this
for me every day?"
Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the
woman made her husband the same dish.
She told her golf partners about it, and they were
horrified.
"You're going to kill him," they exclaimed. Two months
later her husband died. The women were sitting around
the clubhouse, and one friend said, "You killed him! We
told you that feeding him that cat food every week would
do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing
you murdered your husband?"
The wife replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the windowsill
while he was licking his ass."

[joggon]

[whiteball]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper,
Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.
His bookkeeper is deaf and dump. That was the
reason he got the job in the first place. It was
assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he
would never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about
his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer
who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask where the
money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido,
"Where's The money?"
Guido signs back, I don't know what you are
talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he
doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to
Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll
kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you
don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs, "Ok! You win! The
money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the
shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the
guts to pull the trigger!"

[whiteball]

A little girl asks her mam, "Mum, can I take
the dog for a walk around the block?"
Her mum replies, "No, because she is in heat.
Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad,
can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked
mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to
come ask you."
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the
dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said,
"Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and
only go one time around the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with
no dog on the leash...
Surprised Dad asks, "where's Luly?"
The little girl replies, "She ran out of petrol about halfway
round the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

[powersupply]

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago.One day he arrives home looking downcast.
“That’s it,” he tells his wife.
“I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”
His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea.As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”–“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur,—“your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He maybe 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.He turns to the brother-in-law and says,“Did you see the ball?”

“Of course I did!” Answers the brother-in-law.“I have perfect eyesight.”“Where did it go?”

Arthur asks.“I don’t remember.”

[whiteball]

A woman has to go to Ireland for a conference,
so her husband drives her to the airport.
"Thank you honey," she says, "Is there anything
I can bring back for you?"
He laughs, and says, "An Irish girl!"
When the conference is over, he meets her at the
airport and asks, "How was the trip?"
"Very good." she replies.
"And what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" she asks.
"The one I asked for-an Irish girl!"
"Oh, that. I did what I could. We'll just have to wait
9 months to see if it's a girl...."