Joke of the day

[Forrest]

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's €2.99 a minute.


Girls are like phones. They like to be held and talked to,
but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

[gaz72]

My girlfriend's epileptic and flashing lights can give her a seizure.

That's why I carry a torch when she's giving me a hand job.

[Forrest]

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease.
Reporter:"Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"
Farmer: "Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"
Reporter: "Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"
Farmer: "And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"
Reporter: "Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"
Farmer:"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"

[dr love]

A teacher asks her class to use the word contagious in a sentence.
Bob says
"I got mumps & they were contagious."
Katie says
"my gran had a bug & it was contagious."
Little Irish Sean jumps up & says
"our neighbour is painting his house with a 2inch brush & my Dad says it will take the cuntagious."

[Forrest]

A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.'
The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives them the books...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.

Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!'
The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives them another 3 books. The chickens leave as before.

The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say,
'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens.
She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them.

She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree,
not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the
frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."

[TheBestPoster]

A young ventriloquist was touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show at the local Golf Club.
With his dummy on his knee he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting.
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general... pathetically all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize but the blonde woman yells
"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!"

[royaler]

Grandpa Bill Humour

Golf
players!!!

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND

It is important for men
to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to
maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger
When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive,
and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
>>>>>
My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the
situation with my wife, Carol. When I retired a few years ago, it became
necessary for Carol to get a full-time job, along with her part-time
job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show
her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she
gets home from work
>>>>>
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always
says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I
don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me
when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch each day in
the Men's Grill at the Golf Club, so eating out is not an option in the
evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She
used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not
unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after
dinner.
>>>>>
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her
several times each evening that they won't clean themselves.. I know she
really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them
done before she goes to bed.
>>>>>
Another symptom of aging is
complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for
her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we
take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell
her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to
rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then
wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of
my strong points..
>>>>>
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs
more rest periods... She had to take a break when she was only
half-finished mowing the front lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a
fair man.. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly
squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is
making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.
.
>>>>>
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I
support Carol. I'm not saying that showing this much patience &
consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find
it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get
as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more
tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I
will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put
on this earth to help each other.
>>>>>
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a
perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway
extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear
end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying
nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder..
The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty,
accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally
sat down on his golf club... !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mymann]

A man was telling his friend about finding another man in bed with his wife.
and what did you do he was asked?
got the gun and a knife but by this time the lover was climbing out the window and the wife had left the room,
told him i'd shoot him if he did'nt get back in,
pulled down his underpants and told him i would leave him two stones lighter,
then let him go in his just his underpants,
Boasting he told his friend that he could not understand why his wife would want to be meeting someone else when he was very big down stairs compared to the lover.
The friend replied that if he was standing naked with a gun in his mouth and a knife to his balls he would be very small too

[Dirty Harry]

I came home today to find a note on the fridge from the wife it read its not working im leaving and going to stay in my mothers i opend the fridge the light came on my beer was cold i thought to myself what the hell is she on about?

[Dirty Harry]

Just been watching the ladies beach volleyball theres already been a wrist injury but i should be ok by monday