Joke of the day

[emmasweet]

Guy: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.
Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.

[Forrest]

An ambassador from a small African nation visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian
ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality
that Russia had to offer.

On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play
our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the
gun at your head, and pull the trigger."

This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable.
Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed
a sigh of relief.

The African ambassador was impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian
Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay.
Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now, time for you to sample our game,
African roulette". He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.

The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will
give you a oral sex. Take your pick".

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette.
He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador whispered in his ear: "One of them's a cannibal."

[Dirty Harry]

Guy: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.
Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.

classic :-D

[emmasweet]

A beautiful Swedish blonde walks into a Vegas casino and goes straight to the roulette table. She smiles to the two dealers and bets $20,000 on one spin.
"I hope you don't mind," she says in a dreamy voice, "but I feel much luckier naked..." and she peeled off all her clothes, staying completely naked. "Come on, baby, mommy needs a new set of clothes!"


The roulette wheel stops on 13. "I won I WON!!!" Shouts the blonde and jumps in the air in excitement
She collects the winnings and her clothes, hugs the dealers and disappears.


The two dealers looked at each other in shock, until one of them pulled himself together and ask: "Did she bet on 13?"


"I don't know," said the other dealer. "I thought you were looking..."

[emmasweet]

Ancient Chinese Torture

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy. He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

[Dirty Harry]

I can't believe how strong the winds were last night.
I nipped out to get my wife some milk and got blown into the fucking pub.

[Dirty Harry]

I was staring over the fence at the neighbour's arse today until the wife appeared.
Engoying the view?" she said icily.
"what? I said "oh right I just thought jenny had the same bikini bottoms as you dear".

[Floki]

The terrorist grouped all the hostages together and he said to me,
"Pick a number between one and thirty six. "
"Seventeen, " I quickly shouted. He then shot my wife.

"You were fucking peeping when we assigned the numbers weren't you?" He said.

[joggon]

[tom sand]

i hear this on today fm



What did the grape say when it got stomped on? Nothing. It just let out a little wine.