Joke of the day

[Mrswantsmoresex]

"Suck my tits big boy!" my wife shouted up at me while I was fucking her,"Erm... No thanks" I replied "They've been under your arms."

[emmasweet]

Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day.
When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, ''We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one second each time a lie is told.'' Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice. He only told two lies in his life. Hillary asked ''Where is Bill's clock?''
St. Peter replied, ''Jesus has it in his office... he's using it as a ceiling fan.'''

[Forrest]

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we
have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup
when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market.
We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is,
don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and
her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun
and a Machete. So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle
of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more
with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking."

[Nicollenicolle]

A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them. And she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
Although she found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears she was quite impressed by his Sensitive side.
But she doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh, my God! Maybe this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children!'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, and more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, while they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!'

Is nice someone from time to time to make u laugh!great job!

[simplesimon]

i sure we have seen this before but worth reading again

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I
have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days.
The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times

It's too late - 15 times

I'm too tired - 42 times

It's too early - 12 times

It's too hot - 18 times

Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbors will hear - 9 times

Headache or backache - 26 times

Sunburn - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

Watching the late show - 17 times

Too sore - 26 times

New hairdo - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying
because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was
a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over
with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I
was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and
breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby
-------------
To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't
get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times

Did not come home at all - 36 times

Did not come - 21 times

Came too soon - 38 times

Went soft before you got it in - 19 times

Cramps in your leg - 16 times

Working too late - 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times

Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times

You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times

You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times

Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the
sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and
spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I
said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was
thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for
air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"

Love, Your Wife

[emmasweet]

My girlfriend invited me to her house.I found her sister alone in house,she was unbelievably sexy and whispered in m ear :"I have feelings for u,shall we have sex?"
I immediately turned around and walked to the front door to go to my car.
I found my girlfriend standing there,she hugged me and said:"You've won my trust"
Moral of story :always keep your condoms in car...

[Cassandra]

My girlfriend invited me to her house.I found her sister alone in house,she was unbelievably sexy and whispered in m ear :"I have feelings for u,shall we have sex?"
I immediately turned around and walked to the front door to go to my car.
I found my girlfriend standing there,she hugged me and said:"You've won my trust"
Moral of story :always keep your condoms in car...

it is a good ad isn't it?

[EIFII]

How do you get a blonde to laugh on Saturday?








Tell her a joke on Tuesday

[Dirty Harry]

A woman died today after a sign over a bookies door she was walking past fell off and hit her on the head .she been buried tomorrow at 10/1.

[emmasweet]

The married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.The husband asks, “I notice you’ve been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?“

“Yes” she replies, “He’s my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.”
“That’s remarkable” the husband replies, “I wouldn’t think anybody could celebrate that long.“