Joke of the day

[Dirty Harry]

After finding horse in tesco burgers everyone was shocked at the new discovery.... Cameltoe in primark leggings !!!

[Dirty Harry]

Remember a hmv gift card is not just for christmas....its for life!

[Mrswantsmoresex]

Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker!"He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, 'fuck off it'll be too painful.'"

[Sexy Fernanda]

-Waiter, a sushi please!
-To eat or to post on instagram?
-To post on instagram, if it were to eat, I would asked for your sister ...

[gerryatrix]

7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40

[gerryatrix]

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper, lead and anything else they could get their bloody hands on


Sorry Girls

[emmasweet]

Why do ducks have webbed feet?



To stamp out fires.

[emmasweet]

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt, and said, “If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose.” While this offended her, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, “You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra.” This, she decided, was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed his crotch.
With a death grip in place, she said, “You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener and the poolman.”

[Nicollenicolle]

A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them. And she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
Although she found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears she was quite impressed by his Sensitive side.
But she doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh, my God! Maybe this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children!'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, and more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, while they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!'

great joke!

[longtipp]

Why do ducks have webbed feet?



To stamp out fires.

Should this not read.

Why do elephants have flat feet?








To stamp out burning ducks.