Joke of the day

[igor10]

Two friends are the pub for a piss

One ask the other "how's your sex life going mate ? "

"Not too bad" the other says "Me and the missus had sex last night"

"Good for you!" The first friend says

"Well it was for me , not sure about her but I'll ask tomorrow when she comes back from Hawaii"

[whiteball]

Banned from Sainsbury's:
Didn't like shopping there anyway. Yesterday I was at my local
Sainsbury's store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my
loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind
me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had-an elephant?
So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that
no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added
that I shouldn't because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost
2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of
most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. I told her that it was essentially
a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with
Winalot nuggets and simply eatone or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try
it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was
now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off of the kerb to sniff an Irish setter's arse
and a car hit me..
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so
heard.
I'm now banned from Sainsbury's. Better watch what you ask retired people.

[powersupply]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees an old farmer sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he’ll have a little fun, so he says to the old farmer

“G’ day, mind if I talk to your dog?”

Old Farmer: “The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid Aussie.”

Ventriloquist: “Hello dog, how’s it going mate?”

Dog (via ventriloquist): “Doin’ all right.”

Old Farmer: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: “Is this villager your owner?” (pointing at the villager)

Dog: “Yep”

Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”

Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”

Old Farmer: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

Old Farmer: “Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either…I think.”

Ventriloquist: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”

Horse: “Cool”

Old Farmer: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: “Is this your owner?” (pointing at the villager)

Horse: “Yep”

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”

Old Farmer: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”

After a long pause-

Old Farmer: (in a panic) “The sheep’s a f*ckin’ liar.”

[whiteball]

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[whiteball]

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[Sajumikey]

What has a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common
They can smell it but can't taste it 😉😉

[Sajumikey]

I went to my doctor today and said " doc I've diarrhoea, I think it's hereditary "
Doc says " don't be a fool, diarrhoea isn't hereditary "
I said " well it's in my jeans "

[whiteball]

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[joggon]

[whiteball]

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