Joke of the day

[stickytoffee10]

Q. Why is divorce so expensive? A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What do u call a handcuffed man? A. Trustworthy.

Q. What do u call a deer with no eyes? A. No eye deer.

Q. What do u call a deer with no eyes and no legs? A. Still no eye deer.

Q. Why was six afraid of seven? A. Because seven eight nine.

Q. What goes ha, ha plonk? A. Someone laughing their head off.

Q.How do u make a tissue dance? A. Put a little boogie in it.

[emmasweet]

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
“You’re a goblin,” she says, “I caught you and you owe me three wishes!”. So the goblin replies “OK, you caught me fair and square, what’s your first wish?”. The woman stops and thinks for a second, “I want a huge mansion to live in.”, goblins replies “OK, you’ve got it.”. Woman again thinks it over, “My second wish is a Mercedes.” “OK, you’ve got that too.” “My last wish is a million dollars!”. The goblin then says “OK, you’ve got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me.” “OK then, if that’s what it takes…”
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
“Tell me,” says the man, “how old are you?” “I’m 27″, she replies
“Fuck me!”, says the man, “27 and you still believe in goblins?”

[Dirty Harry]

this one's on the borderline of good taste so i knew you'd love it found my nan dead in her bed this morning i was gutted i put my arms around her and held her as a tear rolled down my cheek i noticed that she was naked..i ended up fucking her just as i was about to cum up her arse she shouted Boo ! I mean what sort of sick cunt pretends to be dead.

[bigladdub]

I met a girl in a nightclub and told her, "I'm going to fuck you in my bedroom, my bathroom, my kitchen and my lounge when we get back to mine."

She replied, "Wow! Let's go - it's good to find a man with such stamina these days."

For some reason, she didn't seem too impressed when we finally got to the caravan

In fairness... this is brilliant!!!! PMSL

BLD

[emmasweet]

Father enters his daughter's room and finds a letter on bed. Already having bad thoughts, yet open letter and read: Dear parents, Sorry, I announce that I ran with my new friend. I learned what true love and he is a nice motor empty chase when all piercings, scars, tattoos who covers the entire body! But not only that. I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will live happily in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many children, what I want and I know that. I learned that marijuana does not hurt anyone so increased around the house for him and his friends that bring us all the cocaine we want. Meanwhile pray to find the cure for AIDS, so as to make better and Ahmed. Know that deserve! Do not worry in terms of money. Ahmed arranged for me to play in a movie that you are friends Leroy and Jamal in the basement. Win $ 50 on stage yet, but I can still get $ 50 bonus if 3 men and a bonus of $ 100 if using a horse. Ahmed said something about some dogs, so we have more possibilities. Mother, do not worry for me, now I have 15 years and know how to take care of me. As you can see me and Ahmed we thought at all! One day you'll get to visit with you to know my kids. Ahmed even think to put an attachment to the engine so we can come all at once! Lots of kisses daughter, Mary .................... PS. Father, I joked ......... are neighbors, watch TV. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than Bulgaria in the 90th minute to lose AGAIN!

[emmasweet]

Why do women have smaller feet then men?
So that they can stand closer to the kitchen sink

[Dirty Harry]

after landing myself in jail i spent the next hour getting relentlessy bum fucked. sometimes i think my uncle takes monopoly far too seriously..

[emmasweet]

One night, a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big, knowing grin. Immediately realising his intentions she says,

"Not tonight darling. I have an appointment with the gynaecologist tomorrow morning and I want to stay fresh and clean."

Dejected and disappointed, the man rolls over and tries to get to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and prods his wife again.

"Tell me, do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"

[emmasweet]

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

[AaronDeise]

I had phone sex last night...

Had to get the morning after bill.