Joke of the day

[royaler]

A Kerry senior citizen, 76, drove his brand new BMW convertible out of
> the dealership.
> Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind
> blowing through what little hair he had left.
> 'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down the Killarney road, pushing the
> pedal even more.
>
> Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Garda car behind him, blue
> lights flashing and siren blaring.
> He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
> Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and
> pulled over to await the Garda's arrival.
>
> Pulling in behind him, the Garda walked up to the BMW, looked at his
> watch and said,
> 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me
> a reason for speeding that I've never heard
> before, I'll let you go.'
> The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with
> a Garda. I thought you were bringing her back.'
>
> 'Have a good day, Sir' replied the Garda

[royaler]

Subject: FW: Shopping at Tiffany's

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect
it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farted.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and
prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind
her. Good looking as well.
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like
Tiffany's, he politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little
'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam.. if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit when I tell you the price."

[Forrest]

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water.
His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that
he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking
out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls
it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is
wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his
pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks
like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is
right. "O K, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

***POOF***

The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold
coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says "I wish that no matter
where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story...

If the government offers you anything, there's bound to be strings attached.

[Forrest]

The young American girl, on her very first trip to Paris, decided to test
the French male's fabled expertise in the art of love-making.
On her first date, she asked him what exactly he intended to do with her.
"First," he replied, "I weel remove ze dress. Zen, I will carry you to ze bed.
And zen," he added triumphantly, "I will kiss ze navel."
"Big deal !!!" she said. "I've had my navel kissed before hundreds of times."
"Ahhhhh, but of course" shrugged the Frenchman. "But..... from ze inside?"

[69patrick69]

Two blonde carpenters were working on a house.
The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.
The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective.
If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"
The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

[Forrest]

I knew this guy who had been feeling sick for quite sometime now
I had been telling him to go see a doctor and because his situation was getting so bad he eventually decided to go.

He went into the doctors room sat down and was told that he had some sort of rare intestinal virus. He was subscribed
with suppositries and told to take two a day. The doctor said he would give him the first one.

Once we got back to his house I had a few beers and left then it was time for his next one so he asked his wife
if she could do it. So she put her hand on his shoulder and thrusted the supositry into his ass.

He screamed and his wife said "What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?"

He said "No - I just realised the doctor had both hands on my shoulders!!!"

[Forrest]

Alex Ferguson substituted Wayne Rooney during a recent match.

It's not the first time Rooney has been pulled off by a 69 year old.