Joke of the day

[Dirty Harry]

i met a girl in the park the other night there was an instant spark between us and she fell at my feet as we lay there making love.....i thought this fucking taser gun was money well spent............
now ladies and gents its only a wee joke ok

[punterminator]

I heard the funniest joke of my life yesterday..
Unfortunately, knowing this forum, I'll get banned if I tell it..
**shrug** ye're loss!

[Forrest]

Smart phones, great to have, no matter the cost.

[Forrest]

[Forrest]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from
London, and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!!
Irish Garda says," License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Irish Garda replies, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Irish Garda says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License And registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Irish Garda says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law.
License and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between
"slow down" and "stop", I'll give you my license and registration and
you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Irish Garda says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out his baton
and starts beating the f*** out of the lawyer with it and says, "Do you
want me to stop, or just slow down?"

[Forrest]

How come you’re late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door.

"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down the street and there was this
terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car.

His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere.
Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute."

"What did you do?" asks the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

[Forrest]

Went to Sainsbury's and bought a packet of Jamie Oliver's mini sausages.
On the back it said "Prick with a fork".
Can't argue with that really.



It's a lot easier being black than gay.
At least if you're black you don't have to tell your parents.


A magician walks into a gay bar and disappears with a poof.

[Dundo Limerick]

You probably heard about the Amerian kid in Nevada,about 10 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a whore house and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said no. He said,"I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want!" Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll fuck the baby-sitter's pussy, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and that damn fucker is the son-of-a-cunt who ran over my FROG!"

[Forrest]

Zeus the greek god was flying over ancient Greece when he spotted a gorgeous woman naked washing herself.

He made love to her then stroked her face and told her "In nine months you will have a child and you will call him Hercules!"

She dressed herself, smiled and replied "In nine days you will have a rash and you will call it Herpes, now fu*k off!!"

[Forrest]

The Global Facts ....... At Any Given Moment:

Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.

Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.

Fact: 37,000,000 are getting/giving oral sex.

Fact: 1 lonely fucker is reading This..

Hang in there sunshine!