Joke of the day

[Forrest]

The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm
and asked for a thin and crusty supreme.
They sent me Diana Ross.

[Forrest]

A team of American and British archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave.
Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in their order of appearance:
1. A woman
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old.
They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over
the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss
what they could agree was the meaning of the markings.
The president of their society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a woman.
We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem."
"You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey,
so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil."
"The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them."
"Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if they had a famine hit
the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food."
"The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically and the president smiled and said,
"I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."
Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said,
"I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple.
First of all, while you've been 'reading' and 'interpreting' these inscriptions from
left to right, everyone knows that the Hebrews would have written from right to left.
Now, look again. It says, 'Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that babe!'"

[Forrest]

I went on that Blind Date TV show a few years ago.
I asked the girls "What is your favourite cheese?"
Number one said "Wensleydale."
Number two said "Cheshire."
Number three said "Knob."
I didn't bother with my other questions.

[Forrest]

Q: Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A: They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.


What is the definition of Confidence?
When your wife catches you in bed with another woman &
you slap her on the ass & say, "You're next!"


A well-dressed young woman swathed in a beautiful leopard fur coat
was accosted by a screaming animal activist who yelled,
"And what poor creature had to die so you could have that fur coat??"
The woman replied, "My Mother-in-Law"

[OnlyMe]

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
They already have boyfriends

[Forrest]

"When I were’t lad, Great Granny’d send me down
to t’corner store wi’ half a crown, and I’d come back wi’
five pound o’ potatoes, two loaves o’bread,
three pints o’ milk, a pound o’ cheese,
a packet o’ tea, an’ ’alf a dozen eggs.
Yer can’t do that now.
Too many bloody security cameras."

[Forrest]

3 Tampax are going down the street, Maxi, Slim, and Ultra
Which one says "Hello" ?
.
.
.
.
None - they’re all stuck up cu*ts!!!

[dr love]

4 friends spend weeks planning the perfect camping trip. Two days before they are due to go paddys wife puts her foot down and tells him hes not going. Paddys friends are disappointed but decide to go anyway. Two days later the 3 friends arrive at the site to find paddy sitting with a tent set up and bbq going. One says ' paddy how did you persuade the wife to let you come' . Paddy says 'well yesterday evening i was sitting in my chair and she came to me in a see through nightie, led me up stairs where she handcuffed herself to the bed. Then she said 'do whatever you want' 'so here i am'

[Forrest]

During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank Of Ireland it was found that
Paddy O’Toole was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin
When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password : he replied
"Bejazus! are yez feckin’ stupid? Shore Oi was told me password had to be
at least 8 characters long and include one capital"

[Forrest]

I parked in a disabled space today and a
traffic warden shouted to me...
"Oi, whats your disability?"
I said "Tourettes! now fuck off you cu*t!"