Joke of the day

[max california]

A guy decides that he wants to improve his mind so he joins his locsl book club.
After tbe first meeting he asks the organiser if she can recommend a good novel.
She replies "You should read this novel called The Immortal Dog"
"Is it any good?" the guy asks.
"Oh yes," says the lady "I guarantee you won't be able to put it down!"

[Forrest]

An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor.
When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”
Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old.
What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”
The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.”
The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”
The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”

[Franken996]

Bobbitt Family Update

In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.

Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena .

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable Condition, and Louella has been charged with. . ?
?

A Misdawiener!


~~~
At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Señor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Rod, that your parrot is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Señor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Señor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Señor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Señor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Señor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL???!!!"

"Your wife's, Señor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Ultimate Muzzle loader Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Special with the custom Exhibition Grade Stock.

SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.

"Ernesto, if you scratched that gun, you're in deep shit."

[Sexy Samantha British]

after a long drive in his new porche the gentleman driving spots a quaint little pub so decides to stop and refresh himself with a few drinks. on entering the pub he sits beside a few of the locals who were all in quietl talking with each other. the gentleman decides to engage them in converstation and they were all discussing what they had bought their wives for their birthdays. so one of the locals asks the gentleman what he bought his wife for her last birthday. he replies a bmw x5 for doing the school run for the kids and a nice audi for when she out with her girlfriends. he then asks what did you buy for your wifes birthday, to which he replied a pair of slippers and a vibrator. "why did you buy her those" to which the local replied "well if she dont like the slippers, she can fuck herself"

[mer]

after a long drive in his new porche the gentleman driving spots a quaint little pub so decides to stop and refresh himself with a few drinks. on entering the pub he sits beside a few of the locals who were all in quietl talking with each other. the gentleman decides to engage them in converstation and they were all discussing what they had bought their wives for their birthdays. so one of the locals asks the gentleman what he bought his wife for her last birthday. he replies a bmw x5 for doing the school run for the kids and a nice audi for when she out with her girlfriends. he then asks what did you buy for your wifes birthday, to which he replied a pair of slippers and a vibrator. "why did you buy her those" to which the local replied "well if she dont like the slippers, she can fuck herself"

haha sam very good

[Dirty Harry]

push harder!! i shouted to my wife while she was in labour.fuck off you bastard she screamed back at me bit harsh i thought it wasen't my fault the car had broken down on the way to the hospital.

[max california]

A guy is in the pub with his friend.
"I found my wife's diary today. I gave and looked at it and it's full of fantasies about.rough dirty sex with anal"
"What's the problem?" his friend says,"surely that's great"
"Not if your wifes dyslexic and your brothers name is Alan!"

[FullLife]

This fella spends most of the day drinking in a pub. Finally the barman tells him he's had enough and asks him to leave.
So he wheels around lurches and staggers out the door.
Just outside the door he bumps into a nun and knocks her over.
Looking down, he starts to grin and says "Ha! You're not so tough now Batman"

[Liberty Love]

El Gordo's list of reliable escorts ... now that is a joke. I mean come on out of 17 escorts only 5 are advertised and many have not worked for months months lol

[Forrest]

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in Donegal Town.
After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find
his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and
off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches,
reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing
lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station.
This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'

'I doubt it,' said Paddy, truly proud of himself. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy!