Joke of the day

[royaler]

YA CAN'T BEAT THE OLD DOG!!!
An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[royaler]

Love this phone call....



**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

**'Hello?'**


**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**


**'No, Daddy.**

**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**



**After a brief pause,**




**Daddy says,**

**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**




**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**

**Right now.'**



Brief Pause.



**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**

**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**



**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**



**A few minutes later**

**The little girl comes back to the phone.**



**'I did it, Daddy.'**



**'And what happened, honey?' **


'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**



**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**

**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**



**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**


**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**

**Last week to clean it.**



**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**


*****Long Pause*****



*****Longer Pause*****



*****Even Longer Pause*****



**Then Daddy says,**


**'Swimming pool? ...........**

**Is this 486-5731?'*



**No, I think you have the wrong numbe r..........**

[Dirty Harry]

i went to the doctor with a rash on my balls. She said you're going to have to stop wanking.why i asked she replied because i'm trying to examine you.

[Franken996]

A 107-year-old man was asked by a television crew what was the secret of his longevity.

"It's because I gave up sex" he said.

"When did you give up sex?" asked the reporter.

"Fifteen years ago."

"I see," said the reporter. "And why did you give up sex?"

"I had to. I like older women"

[Forrest]

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs,
they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers,
'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.'
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf
nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor,
tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......



'Grumpy shagged a penguin!' 'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

[Forrest]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director,
"How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

Oh, I understand," said the visitor.
"A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug...... Do you want a bed near the window?"

[harry10]

Why do Elephants have big ears?

Cause Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom?

[Rod Stewart]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director,
"How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

Oh, I understand," said the visitor.
"A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug...... Do you want a bed near the window?"

Fucking brilliant Forrest

[rimmerguy]

I was walking down the road when I saw a woman holding a placard that read;

"Women are not just sexual objects - Honk if you agree!"

So I squeezed one of her tits and said, "Honk."

[Dirty Harry]

i was in the doctors this morning i sat down and said i keep getting a sharp pain in my cock.it dosen't hurt when i wank but it hurts during sex Especially when i give my wife Anal! Really? Said the old woman next to me in the waiting room.