Joke of the day

[royaler]

The Queen & Dolly Go To Heaven-!!
Queen Elizabeth
And
Dolly Parton
die on the same day and they both go
before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day,
so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular
reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these,
they're the most perfect breasts God ever created,
and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see
them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty
the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of
Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.

Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and
you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven,



A Royal Flush

Beats a Pair -

No Matter How Big They Are.

[benin]

once apon a time 2 punters got lost up a mountain.......

[royaler]

once apon a time 2 punters got lost up a mountain.......

after being with a pair that would beat a royal flush every time!!!!!

[Dirty Harry]

people said i'd never get over my obsession with phil collins but take a look at me now!

[Dirty Harry]

a girl came up to me in a disco and said i haven't had a cock for two weeks now. I asked her back to my place and we started fooling around we got undressed and that was when i noticed that she still had the scars from the operation .

[Forrest]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of
the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But before I kill you,
I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse".
Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear,
and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde
woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's
tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in
the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later
that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette,
even more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief
is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow.
What is your last request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."
TheChief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says.................
"Listen carefully, for the last time. I said, "Get a posse!"

[Forrest]

A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door burst open to reveal an armed,
masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and stewardess.
He held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place."
The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and says, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right
into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna
spill HIS brains all over the place." But the copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said,
"Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me,
this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated,
"Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." But the navigator calmly reached up,
pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction.
Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me,
this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the stewardess's head and demanded,
"Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place." No one says a word, but the stewardess
leaned over and whispered something into the hijacker's ear. He turned beet red, dropped his gun, and ran out
of the cockpit in a panic.
The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was found cowering behind some crates in the hold, and tied him up.
The pilot then asked the stewardess what she said that terrified the man so.
"I told him, sir," she replied, "that if he killed me, he'd be the one who'd have to give you guys your blowjobs."

[mrloverlover]

How do you make your dick look big?

Put it in a child's hand Dirty but cracks me up everytime

[Forrest]

A bloke goes to the doctor and says, "I got this sex problem, doc".
"Well", says the quack, "Tell me about your average day".
"Well, it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes
me up about 3:00 am for nookie and then again about 5 o'clock so
we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work".
"Oh I see", said the doc.
"No, hang on", said the man,"...you see, when I get on the train
to work I meet this girl every day and we get a compartment to
ourselves and have sex all the way there".
"Oh....now I see", said the quack.
"No you don't", said the guy. "When I get to work my secretary
really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom".
"Oh....now I see", said the quack.
"No no no", he said. "When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady
I'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie".
"Now I understand", said the patient doctor.
"No, hang on", said the bloke. "When I get back to work in the
afternoon my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has
to have me or she says she'll give me the sack".
Ahh....", said the doctor, "now I see..".
"No, there's more", said the man, "when I get home my wife
is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner
and then we have sex afterwards".
"What's your problem?". asked the doc.

"Well.........", said the poor bloke, "it hurts when I wank"

[royaler]

A Kerry senior citizen, 76, drove his brand new BMW convertible out of
> the dealership.
> Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind
> blowing through what little hair he had left.
> 'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down the Killarney road, pushing the
> pedal even more.
>
> Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Garda car behind him, blue
> lights flashing and siren blaring.
> He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
> Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and
> pulled over to await the Garda's arrival.
>
> Pulling in behind him, the Garda walked up to the BMW, looked at his
> watch and said,
> 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me
> a reason for speeding that I've never heard
> before, I'll let you go.'
> The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with
> a Garda. I thought you were bringing her back.'
>
> 'Have a good day, Sir' replied the Garda