Joke of the day

[Forrest]

Q. What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore ?
A. A whore blows everybody at the party, and a bitch
blows everybody at the party except you.


Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse ?
A. The one with the dirty knees.


Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint ?
A. It’s not very bright, but it spreads easy.

[skywalker85]

A bloke kept telling
his girlfriend not
to turn her head away
near the end of a
blow job....
did she listen?
Nope ...it went
in one ear and out the other

[monster_monster]

"An eye for an eye turns the world blind."

Look on the bright side, everyone gets a dog.

[Forrest]

One day Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the park,
suddenly she hears some twigs snap behind a hedge, startled
she says "Who’s there, Who’s there".
The Big Bad Wolf pops his head out from the hedge,
gives a loud tut and runs off.
Further into the park, Little Red Riding Hood hears a shuffling
noise behind a tree, startled she says "Who’s there, Who’s there".
The Big Bad Wolf pops his head out from behind the tree,
gives a loud tut and runs off again.
Now, nearing the exit of the park, Little Red Riding Hood hears a
rustling behind some bushes. Startled, she says "Who’s there, Who’s there".
The Big Bad Wolf pops his head out from the bushes and says
"I wish you’d fu*k off - I’m trying to have a shit"!!

[pforce]

My girlfriend has packed her bags and gone because of my pasta touching fetish.

I'm feeling canneloni right now.

[Forrest]

After days in the wilderness Paddy and Mick stumble
into a bar in the wild west and ask for two beers.
Unfortunately they’ve got no money and the barman
won’t give them credit. Just then a bloke walks in
with a Red Indian’s scalp on his belt. The barman
shakes his head and says,"I hate Indians. Last week
the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, raped my
wife and killed my children. If any man brings me the
scalp of a Red Indian I will give them 1,000 dollars."

The two Irishmen look at each other and then go off
to find a Red Indian...........later that day they see one,
and Mick throws a stone which hits the Red Indian on the head.
The Indian falls off his horse but lands 70ft down a ravine.
Paddy and Mick dash down into the ravine where Paddy starts scalping the Indian.

Suddenly Mick says,"Paddy look at this...."
Paddy says,"In a minute."
"No, look at this....,"says Mick.
"No, can’t ya see i’m fu*kin busy....."
Mick grabs hold of him and Paddy looks up and sees 5,000 Indians
standing at the top of the ravine.
"Fu*k me," says Paddy, "we’re gonna be millionaires."

[monster_monster]

I have the biggest dick I've ever seen.

Partly because I don't look at other men's penises.

[monster_monster]

My girlfriend says I take too many chances.

My Monopoly set, my rules.

[Forrest]

Two boys are playing in the street in Manchester,
when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick,
wedges it down the dogs collar and twists,
breaking the dogs neck.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident,
and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young United Fan Saves Friend From
Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I’m not a United fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we are in Manchester, I just assumed
you were." say’s the reporter and starts again.
"Little City Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack"
he starts writing in his notebook.
"I’m not a City fan either," the boy say’s.
"I assumed everyone in Manchester was either a
or City fan. What team, DO you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I’m a Liverpool fan." the boy said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
"Scouser Tearaway Kills Beloved Family Pet."

[Forrest]

A paperboy is doing his monthly round of collecting money from customers.
One door is opened by a fairly sexy,buxom woman, who is wearing a
transparent lace negligee.
"Hi Missus I’ve come for the paper money, it’s £5 please." says the teenager,
with his hand held out.
"I’m afraid I’ve no money in the house," the woman replies in a breathy voice,
"but if you come in I’m sure I can think of something..."
So the lad goes in and the woman throws herself back on the fireside rug,
pulling off the negligee, moaning "You can have ME instead..."
The young fella takes off his bag, and then produces a dick that would be more
in place on a stud bull. The woman is agog. The young buck then produces a load
of big rubber rings from his bag, which he proceeds to stack around his giant knob.
"What are they for?" asks the woman.
"Oh, they’re just to make sure I don’t go all the way in when I shag you." replies the boy.
"To hell with them! implores the woman, "I’ll take all of you!"
The young man replies..........."Not for five fucking quid you wont!"