Joke of the day

[Forrest]

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"
Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams...and he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works.
He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?"
"Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

[Dirty Harry]

i was snooping lastnight and found my wife's secret diary i was so turned on when i read she wanted to have rough sex with anal then i remembered that she was dsylexic and works with a guy called alan..

[Dirty Harry]

my wife asked for a box set of 24 for her birthday..i am praying that the boxes are for putting her possessions in so she can fuck off..

[Dirty Harry]

i've just done my bit for the enviroment i've just recycled back to the shop cause i forgot the beers

[Dirty Harry]

i think my dog might be a genius i just asked him five minus five is and he said nothing...

[Forrest]

What is the definition of Confidence?
When your wife catches you in bed with another
woman & you slap her on the ass & say, "You're next!"

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I've always been unlucky. I had a rocking horse once, and it died.

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I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

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A well-dressed young woman swathed in a beautiful leopard fur coat
was accosted by a screaming animal activist who yelled, "And what
poor creature had to die so you could have that fur coat??"
The woman replied, "My Mother-in-Law"

[Forrest]

President Clinton will always be remembered as: 'The President after Bush.'
During Clinton's interview with the grand jury, the prosecutor held up a picture
of Monica and asked the president if he had ever seen the woman.
Bill Clinton replied, 'I've come across her face a couple of times.'

[Forrest]

A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients.
He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought
it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.
However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex with
their patients so its not like you're the first...".
This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his
head said, "... but they probably weren't veterinarians".
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A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose,
a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
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A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy.
When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors
and asks nervously "Is there a problem?"
The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes "I'm afraid so.....
I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a sex change
rather than a vasectomy"
The patient is devastated and shockingly replies "Do you mean to say
I'll never experience another erection"
The surgeon pauses for a moment then says
"Well, you might, but it won't be yours"

[Forrest]

I asked my boss if I could leave half an hour early the other day.
He said, " Only if you make up the time."
I said, " OK. It's 35 past 50."
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Quasimodo walks into a tailors and asks,
"Do you have a suit off the peg that will fit me?"
The tailor replies, "If we have, someone is getting the sack!"

[skywalker85]

Bristol police have announced that Joanne Yates sock was missing on the night she was murdered. Is it just me that thinks heather mills did it