Joke of the day

[emmasweet]

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use t...he restroom? The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.” Well, in that case I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?” “Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?” But, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun. “You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?”

[emmasweet]

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you €800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands nake...d in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her €800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”

“It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies.

“Great!” the husband says, “did he leave the €800 he owes me?”

[emmasweet]

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' And out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die! She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over, and that it is just not appropriate...

The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.’)

[Forrest]

[justfrank44]

Tesco's Letter
Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping

This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in
Oxford:

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look"
using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."


Yours
sincerely,


Charles Brown
Store Manager

[justfrank44]

saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
I said, 'Thyroid problem?'

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised
that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive
me.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold
the engine?

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on
with my real ladder.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists
are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one
day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones
but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks
and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he
got thrown out of the fire brigade.

Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good
hand.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are
you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the
wrong answers.

You know that look women get when they want sex? No? Me neither.

Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they
don't understand, such as working for a living.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

My friend crossed a Pitbull with a Shitzu and ended up with a bull sh!t.

[jizrag]

A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meet the Mullah for counselling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks "We realise it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together".

"Absolutely not" says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately". "So after the Ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "No" Answered the Mullah "It's forbidden in Islam".

"Well, okay" says the man "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?" "Of Course!" replies the Mullah "sex is okay within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man. "No problem" says the Mullah.

"Woman on top?" the man asks. "Sure" says The Mullah. "Go for it!"

"Doggy Style?" "Sure!"

"On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes!"

"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?" "You may indeed!"

"Can we do it standing up?" "No" says The Mullah". "Why not?" asks the man. "It could lead to dancing!"

[jizrag]

An 82-year old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her:

"What did you steal?" She replied: "A can of peaches".

The judge asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied: "6". The judge said: "Then I will give you 6 days in jail".

Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said "Yes, what is it?" The husband said: "She also stole a can of peas".

[Forrest]

[royaler]

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex." The researcher was a little taken back, "Usually people lie to me but, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?" The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all...my husband and I put it on the door knob and the kids can't open the door."