Joke of the day

[Dirty Harry]

the oldest woman in Britain died the other day she was surrounded by none of her family.

[Dirty Harry]

necrophiliacs-- lay back and crack open a cold one!!!

[Dirty Harry]

my girlfriend promised me she would stop masturbaiting while on her period.i came home early yesterday and caught her red handed..

[Dirty Harry]

i kissed a girl last night and her breath smelled like cheesy wotsits.next time i'll kiss her before she sucks me off....

[Dirty Harry]

As she turned and looked into my eyes she whispered i think am ready for the next step so i slowly inserted my penis into her ass..i love helping old ladies up staircases..

[emmasweet]

A woman invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?" she said.
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear mommy say," the woman answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?".

[Dirty Harry]

last night the wife stormed into the pub.picked up my pint and poured it over my head......every year she ruins our wedding anniversary!

[Forrest]

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus
walked across the water and joined them in the boat.
When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly,
"Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war...could you help me?"
"Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years.

The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving,
asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight.
Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake.
When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively,
"Don't touch me! I'm on long term disability"

[Forrest]

Posh and Becks had taken a cab from Heathrow Airport to Central London.

"Where have you been?" asks the cabbie.

"New York," says Beckham. "We saw a show and did some shopping."

"Did you have any nice meals?" asks the cabbie.

"Yes, one really great one."

"What was the name of the restaurant?" asks the cabbie.

"Dunno. I can't remember. Name some big railway stations in London," says Beckham.

The cabbie begins: "Waterloo, Paddington, Victoria..."

Beckham interrupts excitedly: "That's it! Victoria, what was the name of that restaurant we went to?"

[Forrest]

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see
what he went through each day, so he prayed :-

"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours of hard work, while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies".

God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them
to school, came home ..... picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank
to draw money to pay the electricity and telephone bills.

He drove to the electricity company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping,
came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. By then it
was already 1:00 pm, so he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and
mop the kitchen floor.

He rushed to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home which
he had to sort out in a gentle 'motherly' fashion. He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organised
to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and was able to watch a bit of TV while he did the ironing.
By then it was 4:30 pm, so he began peeling potatoes and washed greens for salads. He prepared the chops
and fresh vegetables and got everything ready in time for an early dinner.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put
them to bed. At 9:00 pm he was exhausted and although his chores weren't finished for the day,
he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without
complaining. The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said :-

"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all
day. Please, O please, let us trade back!" The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you
have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just
have to wait 9 months though, because you got pregnant last night!!!"