Joke of the day

[Dirty Harry]

I was in my car this morning and i killed a badger....fuck knows how he got in...

[Dirty Harry]

Martin asks his new girlfriend for a wank.she says iv'e never done that before what do i do? He says remember when you were a kid you would shake a coke bottle & spray your brother with it thats what you do .she nods so he pulls it out & she grabs hold of it & starts shaking it10 mins later he has tears running down his face snot flowing from his nose wax flying from his ears she says whats wrong? He cries take your fucking thumb off!!

[emmasweet]

[Forrest]

Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care.
One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.

[Forrest]

If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it.....it's spam.

The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night.
To be fair, the audience did try to warn him.

[gentelmandave]

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The v
et tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.

One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

[Rod Stewart]

I was in my car this morning and i killed a badger....fuck knows how he got in...

nearly wet myself laughing when i seen this Harry, keep up the great work!! Would be lost without u!

[max california]

Tim is going to a speed dating night, but is a bit nervous so he asks his friend Dan for some advice.
" The key to a woman's heart is to agree with whatever she says," says Dan.
"Whatever she likes, you like, whatever her interests are, they are yours as well."
Tim gets to the speed dating centre and gets seated in front of a gorgeous brunette.
"I'm not going to beat around the bush," she says, "I like nothing more than going down on a guy all night."
"Me too!" says Tim.

[Dirty Harry]

Gary Glitter today said he wished he had never brought his pc to be mended in pc world he said i wished jim had fixed it for me.

[Sexy Fernanda]

A woman goes out shopping with Husband and spots a pair of boots she Loves.
The husband says,’’No chance love,They’re way to expensive.’’

Later on bed,the wife is just falling asleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hand on fer hip and then
Lower on her thigh.

She turns to him and says,’’I don’t think so mate.If you’re not prepared to shoe the horse then you sure as hell
ain’t riding it!