Joke of the day

**justfrank44** · 18-07-12, 21:58

Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.

First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."

Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"

The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."

**Dirty Harry** · 18-07-12, 22:19

I saw a girl crying in the pub so i went up to her and asked what was wrong.i split up with my boyfriend because hes a sexist pig'.i am a great listener i replied if you want to tell me more.you dont even know me she cried why would you want to listen to me?because you have massive tits!

**UB40** · 27-07-12, 00:04

Pay attention.
First year students of a med school were about to have their first class with a real dead body. They all gathered around the trolley on which the dEad body was covered by a sheet.
The professor said that a doctor must have two qualities - one he must not be disgusted by anything in the human body. For example he pulled the sheet from over the dead body and stuck his finger up it's butt, he then sucked the finger. Then he said to the class to do the same. They were all disgusted with this but slowly each one put their finger in the butt of the corpse and sucked on it.
Then he said the second most important thing was observation. He pointed out that he had put his middle finger up the butt but sucked on his index finger.
Lesson 1 over!

**UB40** · 27-07-12, 16:57

This joke looked better outside out of E1 context!!

**max california** · 27-07-12, 18:40

I'm introducing my new girlfriend to my parents tonight.
It's a bit nerve wracking especially as she fucks people for money.
I can just imagine the look of disgust on my dad's face when he finds out she works in a bank!

**gentelmandave** · 27-07-12, 21:22

There was an old man sitting on a bench in the park crying. A younger man walked up to him and asked "What's wrong?" The old man replied "I am married to a sexy 21 year old woman who gives me two blowjobs a day and we have sex the minute I get home from work and right after dinner." The young man had a strange look on his face and asked "What's so bad about that? It sounds to me like you have a great sex life." The old man replied "I can't remember where I live!"

**gentelmandave** · 27-07-12, 21:23

A woman goes into Tesco and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work.

The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming "GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"

The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager.

The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?"

She explains the situation with the toaster.

He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!

Her money was refunded

**UB40** · 27-07-12, 21:28

A ventriloquist was driving through the midwest when his car broke down. He walked a ways and found a farmer who would let him use his phone. Well, the farmer seemed to be a real stereotypical rural type, so the ventriloquist thought it would be possible to have some fun with him. The farmer began to lead him back to the house.

Along the way, they passed a horse. The ventriloquist said to the farmer, "Is this your horse?" The farmer replied, "Yep." The ventriloquist asked, "Can he talk?" The farmer said, "Nope." The ventriloquist then said to the horse, "So, how do you like it here?" He then threw his voice, and said in a horse-like voice, "Oh, it's pretty good. Every morning the farmer feeds me oats." Upon hearing this the farmer was startled and quickened his pace.

Soon they came to a cow. The ventriloquist asked, "Is this your cow?" and the farmer replied, "Yep." He then asked, "Does it talk?" and the farmer replied, "I..I don't think so." The ventriloquist asked the cow, "How do you like it here?" and threw his voice again. In a cow-like voice, he said, "Oh, I like it just fine. Every morning the farmer comes and milks me." Upon hearing this, the farmer squirmed. He looked down at the ground and continued walking.

Soon they came to some sheep. The ventriloquist asked, "Are these your sheep?" and the farmer replied, "Yep." He then asked, "Do they talk?" and the farmer exclaimed, "Yes, but they lie!"

**UB40** · 27-07-12, 22:32

If I was that manager I would lukevto think that I would have grabbed her breasts!

Originally Posted by gentelmandave

A woman goes into Tesco and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she

bought because it doesn't work.

The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming "GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"

The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager.

The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?"

She explains the situation with the toaster.

He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!

Her money was refunded

**Forrest** · 03-08-12, 19:58

First sailing results are in Britain have taken gold, the USA have taken silver
and Somalia have taken a middle-aged couple from Weymouth.

My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today and I couldn't help but admire it.
"Nice car," I said as he got out.
"Well," he said, noticing my admiring looks, "Work hard, put the hours in, and I'll have an even better one next year."

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