Joke of the day

[max california]

A guy sits in his armchair sipping beer and watching the football.
Feeling happy with life, he shouts to his wife,"Darling, when I die, I'm going to leave everything to you!"
His wife puts down the sweeping brush and shouts back,"You already do, you lazy bastard!"

[max california]

During a group interview for a job, the interviewer asks each of the candidates a question.
"What's the fastest thing you can think of?"
The first candidate replies, "A thought. It pops into your head with no warning."
The second answers,"A blink. People always say in the blink of an eye don't they?"
The third says,"Switching on a light. As soon as the switch flicks the light is on!"
The fourth guy looks the interviewer dead in the eyeand says,"The fastest thing I know is diarrhoea."
The interviewer is stunned into silences so the fourth candidate goes on to explain:"The other day I wasn't feeling well.
I suddenly felt a rumbling in my guts, so I ran for the bathroom, but before I could think, blink or even switch the light on, I had already shit myself!"

[Forrest]

[Forrest]

Two travellers are driving around town in their Hiace van when a Garda car signals them to pull over.
The men stop their van and open the window.
The Garda says, "We're looking for two rapists"
The travellers quickly close the window and begin arguing.
After a couple of minutes they open the window and one of them says,
"Ah sure, fuck it, we'll do it!"


This joke was sent to me by Emma(little sweet Emma) to cheer me up, and it worked.

[max california]

Why did the tramp cross the road?

To get to the other cider!

[emmasweet]

An inebriated judge returned to court after a long lunch. In the first case, a man is charged with drunk driving who pleaded not guilty. "I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.

The judge said, "In that case, you are sentenced to 45 days."

[Dirty Harry]

today im gonna dig up and open my time capsule i buried 20 years ago i cant wait to see how big my puppy is now..

[Dirty Harry]

wife says to her husband can you explain to me how i just found a pair of womans knickers in your coat pocket ?husband replies because your a nosey cunt!

[samlad]

wife says to her husband can you explain to me how i just found a pair of womans knickers in your coat pocket ?husband replies because your a nosey cunt!

I lol'd, Harry!

[Dirty Harry]

paddy was sent to prison. he said to his cell mate i wony be in for long.my wife will break me out the cell mate said what do you mean ? paddy replied she never lets me finish a fucking sentence!!