Joke of the day

**emmasweet** · 03-02-12, 01:00

Interviewer: Do you think you can handle a variety of work?
Candidate: Yes I think so, I have worked in 10 different places in the last 3 months.

Employee: I got to have salary increment. Three other companies are after me.
Boss: Really? Which are the three companies?
Employee: The electric company, the telephone company and the gas company.

My boss walked past my desk and asked me: "Why are you not working?"
I replied "Because I never saw you coming Sir".

**royaler** · 03-02-12, 01:14

HaHa Emma, your really on a roll there ... keep them coming!

**Forrest** · 03-02-12, 19:37

The Top 5 Men in a Woman's life are:

1. Doctor.
2. Dentist
3. Coal man.
4. Decorator.
5. Bank manager.

A Doctor says to take off your clothes.
A Dentist says open wide.
A Coal man asks "where do you want it, front or back?"
A Decorator says "how do you like it now that it's up?"
A Bank manager says "don't take it out you'll lose interest"!

**emmasweet** · 05-02-12, 18:20

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

**Forrest** · 05-02-12, 20:20

Grandpa and Grandma were living with their son and daughter-in-law.
Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and asked if he could have one.
His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one - they're very strong and expensive."
Grandpa said, "I know, but I want to try one. How much are they?"
His son replied, "$10 each."
Grandpa only had a $50 bill but was going to the bank.
He told his son that he would leave $10 under his pillow that night.
The next morning his son found $110 under his pillow and said,
"Dad, I told you it was only $10. There's $110 under my pillow!"
Grandpa said, "That's ok, the other $100 is from Grandma!"

**Dirty Harry** · 07-02-12, 14:13

my wife and daughter are leaving because of my obsession with horse racing they're both at the gate now and they're off!

**Rod Stewart** · 10-02-12, 00:25

Keep it going lads, love them!!!

**Dirty Harry** · 14-02-12, 20:10

to spice up her dead sex life a wife puts on a pair of crotchles panties together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband at strategic moments she uncrosses her legs enough times that her husband finally askes are you wearing crotchless panties ? Yes she says with a seductive smile thank god he says i thought you were sitting on the cat.

**harry10** · 14-02-12, 20:13

Winner of one-liner of the year.

Conjunctivitis.com A site for sore eyes.

**simplesimon** · 14-02-12, 20:22

Originally Posted by emmasweet

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

I think this is my favourite
very funny , keep them coming

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