Joke of the day

[Dirty Harry]

my new years resolution is to stop using spray can deodarants.roll on 2012

[Forrest]

Women are having sex with their husbands/boyfriends because they can't afford batteries.

Jury Duty is now considered a good-paying job.

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

African television stations are now showing 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials!

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

My ATM gave me an IOU!

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with the purchase was a bank.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is now selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned the names of their children.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, so they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Motel Six won't leave the light on for you anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street."

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

One of the casinos in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

[Forrest]

Every year at the state fair Paul entered the raffle for a brand new truck and lost.
This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother to enter.

"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned closer and whispered,
"What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."

Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the draw neared.
Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God.

Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down.
She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. Suddenly a finger of flame came from the
skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a table. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.

Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77.

A few minutes later, the draw was held. And once again, Paul lost. The winning number was 707

[Forrest]

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up.
Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said,

"Master, may I grant you one wish?"

Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am?
I don't need any common woman giving me anything."

The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well,
I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you."
The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side.
His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.

[Forrest]

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I’m going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure
is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side,
bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99."

The guy obeys and says, "99."

The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check,
take a deep breath and say, 99."

Again, the guy says, "99."

The doctor said, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.
I’m going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I’m going to hold on to your
penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, 99."

The guy slowly begins, "One .. Two ... Three ...."

[max california]

My girlfriend was very impressed when I told her how much money I gave to charity each month.
Until she found out that Charity was an escort.

[max california]

I got slapped by the new girl at work today.
I.only asked her if she spits or seallows.
It seemed reasonable as we're both wine tasters.

[Forrest]

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it............................so I said "Implants?"

[Dirty Harry]

a bloke goes up to a bird in a club and says the names bond she replies let me guess james bond he says no unibond i've come to fill yer crack!

[Dirty Harry]

i said to my brother you might want to start using condoms with your new girlfriend he said why? She's clean i replied i'm not.