Joke of the day

[Dirty Harry]

my friend told me he had come into some money i couldn't hide my disappointment when he handed me a soggy fiver!

[Dirty Harry]

my wife left me today claming i never show her any respect fucking cunt i did everything for that fat bitch.

[Dirty Harry]

my wife says she's leaving me because i don't know how to use cockney rhyming slang well i've had enough of her tomorrow she is going to be brown toast!

[UKHeather]

I went on Dragon's Den with my landmine clearing device.
Peter Jones said, "How does it work?"
I said, "I load packets of Haribo into this catapult mechanism and then fire them across the mine field."
He said, "Right, and then?"
I said, "Then we open Jedward's cage."
He said, "I'm going to make you an offer."

[royaler]

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Best Bitter. Barman asks, "What's wrong with the Bitter?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of it last night and when I came round I was f--king skint."
Barman says, " 12 pints of anything in here costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint is my dog."

[royaler]

The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . . "What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut up and go to sleep!"

[Dirty Harry]

a couple go to see a marrige guidance counciler the counciler starts by saying so tell me something you both have in common after a short silence the husband says well neither of us suck cock!

[Dirty Harry]

just caught my mother in law pleasuring herself with a rabbit.the rabbit looked petrified

[Dirty Harry]

some woman knoked on my door earlier and said that she had lost her dog.she said if i helped her find it i could eat her fanny out all night. i said what dose it look like? She said it's big black and fluffy! i said no thanks love i'll give it a miss!

[Dirty Harry]

i have to admire the bravery of my new thai bride coming all the way over here to marry a man she's never met it takes real ball to do something like that!