Joke of the day

[Forrest]

If a stork brings white babies and a blackbird brings black babies what brings no babies?
A swallow!!!!!!!!!


Why do Scotsmen have blue willies?
Because they are tight fisted wankers.


How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.

[Sam Spade]

Not a joke, probably been posted before, but just liked to share.

[Dirty Harry]

how unlucky is my friend? She hasen't had sex with a man for years in case she'd get some disease and now she has caught E-coli from a cucumber!

[Dirty Harry]

two married ladies go on holiday to the caribbean and meet a muscular black guy after a week of fantastic 3some sex they ask his name.he says my name is snow.the ladies start laughing he asks whats so funny? Their reply our husbands will never believe we had 10 inches of fucking snow in the caribbean

[Dirty Harry]

i was asked to leave the local swimming pool today as the large bulge in my speedor was upsetting some of the other swimmers! I pointed out another guy in similar trunks and asked why he was not being asked to leave they replied because he hasn't shit himself !

[Forrest]

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.
The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one into four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore.
I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't piss on my shoes."


The first day at the London sperm bank was pretty unsuccessful.
Only two men made appointments.
One came on the bus and the other missed the tube.

[Dirty Harry]

a little girl asked her mum can i take the dog for a walk? Mum replies no because she is in heat. What's that mean? Asked the child.go ask your father.i think he is in the garage. The little girl goes to the garage and says dad can i take fluffy for a walk? I asked mum but she said the dog was in heat and to come to you.dad said bring fluffy over here. He took a rag soaked it wì petrol and scrubbed the dogs arse with it and said okay you can go now but keep fluffy on the leash and only go around the estate.the little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.surprised dad asked where is fluffy? The little girl said she ran out of petrol about halfway around the estate so another dog is pushing her home

[Forrest]

IMPORTANT BULLETIN
Many men are buying "black market" Viagra from Mexican mail-order drug stores.
The U.S Food and Drug Administration has announced several of these pharmacies are mixing Viagra with ground up Mexican jumping beans. The results can be something...unexpected.

Here is what happens when Viagra is combined with Mexican jumping beans:-



I'm so depressed... I went to the Dr. today and he refused to write me a prescription for Viagra.
Said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

[Forrest]

A beautiful, young lady about 21 went to a doctor and asked for a check-up.
The doctor claimed that he had to use a thermometer for the check-up.
So the doctor asked her, "Where shall I put the thermometer?"
The girl replied, "... uh ... not in my mouth, Doc. I might swallow it."
"Okay... let's try your armpit." the doctor suggested.
"Well, it might tickle me, Doc. How about my butt?" the girl queried.
"Okay then," so he went to put the thing in the girl's butt.
Later, the girl while giggling exclaimed, "that's not my butt, Doc!"
The doctor replied, "That's okay dear... it's not the thermometer, either."


Patient: "Doctor, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people."
Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."
Patient: "I just did, you fuc*kin twat!"


"My doctor says if I don't give up sex, I'll be dead in a week."
"Why is that?"
"I'm playing around with his wife."

[Forrest]

What is the hardest part of a sex change?
To get the cheese to smell like fish.



I used to go out with an English teacher, but she dumped me.
She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.



I threw a hedgehog at a dart board once
Scored 3480



I had a candlelit dinner the other night.
Everything was really undercooked.


I conducted an orchestra the other day.
It's more fun than you can shake a stick at.