Joke of the day

[philipkntz]

Then there was the chicken rancher that bought a young rooster to replace his veteran, because he felt he was getting on in years. The first day the young rooster was strutting his stuff in the barn yard, the veteran rooster approached him and told him he felt his years only made him better and he was still superior to the youngster. The oldster challenged the new guy to a race around the cornfield in order to prove his superiority. Youngster accepted and agreed to meet him at dawn. The veteran arrived at the cornfield to find the youngster already there, pacing and scratching the dirt. The old guy says, “You know, I’ve been thinking and your youth may be a slight advantage in this contest, so is it Ok if you give me about a 10 yard head start?” The confident youngster readily agreed and the race began! First time around the cornfield the old guy held his own, but the second lap showed the youngster had cut the other’s lead to 5 yards. On the third lap, the farmer jumped out of the cornfield with a shotgun and shot the young rooster dead. As he stood over the dead rooster he said, “Can’t understand it, third queer rooster I had to shoot this month!” Moral: Don’t mess with us old guys!

[joggon]

[whiteball]

A cat dies and goes to heaven. God meets him
at the gates of heaven and says, "You have been
a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire
is yours, all you have to do is ask."
The cat says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor
family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood
floors."
God says, "Say no more." Instantly, a fluffy pillow
appears.
A few days later, six mice die and go to heaven. God
meets them at the gates with the same offer that he
made the cat.
The mice say, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats,
dogs and even women with brooms have chased us.
If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we
wouldn't have to run anymore."
God says, "Say no more." Instantly each mouse is
fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see
how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his
new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How
are you doing? Are you happy here?"
The cat yawns, stretches and says, "Oh, I've never
been happier. And those meals on wheels you've
been sending over are the best!"

[joggon]

[whiteball]

A man traveling through Tibet sees s monastery,
and on a whim, decides to join.
The head monk, welcomes him and tells him that
the monks in this monastery must take a vow of
silence. And are allowed to say only two words every
ten years.
The man thinks about this and agrees to join the monastery.
After ten years, the man appears before the head monk
and says, "Bed hard."
Another ten years pass, and he stands before the head
monk and says, "Food bad." Ten years pass, and he is
once again before the head monk. "I quit!" he says.
"Well, I'm not surprised," says the head monk. "You've
done nothing but complain since you got here."

[joggon]

[whiteball]

A man mentions to a coworker that
her hair smells nice.
The woman suddenly grows enraged,
storms into her supervisors office and
declares loudly that she's quitting and
has decided to file a sexual harassment
suit.
"Come on," says the supervisor, "What's
wrong with a guy saying your hair smell
nice?"
"He's a fucking midget!"

[joggon]

[whiteball]

Paddy goes to the doctor and says he's
having problems with premature ejaculation.
He's told when you feel yourself cuming, give
yourself a fright by firing a starter pistol in the
air to prolong the sex.
Two days later the doc sees Paddy and asks how
it went?
Paddy says, not good! We were in a 69 and I felt
myself start to cum, so I fired the gun, Mary shit in
my face, bit the end off my cock and the milkman
came out of the wardrobe with his hands up!

[whiteball]

Dave has been in the insurance business for 25 years.
Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50
acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once
a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.
After six months of total isolation, someone knocks on his
door. He opens it, and a huge bearded man is standing there.
"I'm your neighbour from up the road. Haven' a party Friday
night though you might like to come.
"Great," says Dave, "After six months out here I'm ready to
meet some local folks. I'll be there."
As the man is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you though,
there's gonna be some drinkin."
"Not a problem says Dave, "I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'N likely
be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people." says Dave, "I'll be right."
The man continues, "More likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," replies Dave, warming to
the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months. I'll definitely be there. By
the way what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter," replies the big man. "Just gonna be the
two of us."