Joke of the day

[whiteball]

It was Grandpa Jones' 100th birthday
and he was still in perfect health.
At his birthday party he was asked how
he managed to live so long and stay so
fit.
He explained, "I put my long life down
to spending so much time outdoors. I've
been in the open air, day after day, rain
or shine, for the last 75 years."
"How do you manage to keep up such a
rigorous fitness regime?" they asked.
"It's simple," he said. "When I married
my wife 75 years ago, we both made a
solemn pledge. We agreed that whenever
we had a fight, whoever was proved wrong
would go outside and take a long walk."

[whiteball]

So, a plane takes off from Dublin Airport.
After it reaches a comfortable cruising
altitude, the captain makes an announcement
over the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen
this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
flight #293, nonstop from Dublin to Newark.
The weather ahead is good and therefore we
should have a smooth and uneventful flight.
So set back and rela.....-OH MY GOD!"
Silence fellows and after a few minutes the
captain comes back on the intercom and says,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared
you earlier, but while I was talking the flight
attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled
the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front
of my pants."
Auld Paddy, in economy, stands up and shouts
back... "THATS NOTHING PAL, you should come
here and see the back of mine."

[Forceuser]

[whiteball]

A woman, cranking because her husband
was late coming home again, decided to
leave a note, saying, I've had enough and
have left you... don't bother coming after
me." Then she hid under the bed to see
his reaction.
After a short while the husband comes home
and she could hear him in the kitchen before
he comes into the bedroom. She could see him
walk towards the dresser and pick up the note...
After a few minutes he wrote something on it
before picking up the phone and calling someone...
"She's finally gone... yeah I know, about bloody
time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy
French nightie. I love you... can't wait to see you...
we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung
up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car
drive off as she came out from under the bed.
Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she
grabbed the note to see what he wrote... "I've can
see your feet. We're outta bread: back in five minutes."

[Forceuser]

[whiteball]

A young ventriloquist named Johnny Pumper
is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at
a bar in a small town.
He's going through his usual run of silly blonde
jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row
stands on her chair and says, "OK jerk, I've heard
just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can sterotype women
that way? What do a person physical attributes
have to do with their worth as a human being? It's
guys like you who keep women like me from being
respected at work and in my community, of reaching
my full potential as a person... because you and your
kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not
only blondes but women at large... all in the name of
homour."
Flustered, Johnny begins to apologize, when the blonde
picks up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that
little shit on your knee!"

[whiteball]

A petrol station owner in Ireland was
trying to increase his sales, so he put
up a sign that read, "Free Sex with fill-up."
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked
for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number
from 1-10. If he guessed correctly, he
would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said,
"You were close. The number was 7. Sorry,
no sex this time."
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend,
Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he
asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same
story and asked him to guess the correct
number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said,
"Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no
sex this time."
As they were driving away, Mick said to
paddy, "I think that game is rigged and he
doesn't really giveaway free sex at all."
Paddy replied, "No it's genuine enough Mick.
My wife won twice last week."

[whiteball]

A cowboy told his grandson the secret
to a long life. He said, "You gotta sprinkle
a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see.
If you do, you'll live to a nice old age."
So the cowboy did this religiously every
day, and sure enough, he lived to the nice
ripe old age of 96. When he died he left
behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-
grand-children... and a 16 foot hole in the
wall of the crematorium.

[Forceuser]

[whiteball]

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says,
"I'm sleeping with the minister's wife.
Can you hold him in church for an hour
after the service for me?"
Mike doesn't like it but being a friend,
he agrees.
After the service, Mike starts talking to
the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid
questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks
Mike what he's really up to?
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the
minister. My friend is sleeping with your wife
right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The minister smiles, puts a brotherly hand on
Mike's shoulder and says, "You better hurry home,
my wife dead a year ago."