Joke of the day

[Forrest]

Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone.
Are you choking?
No, I really did!

Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!

Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil ‘till I get there

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?
Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu!
Didn't I see you yesterday?

Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something?
Yes - here's a kite!

[monster_monster]

After days of sitting at my wife's bedside while she was in a coma, her condition took a turn for the worse last night.

She woke up.

[monster_monster]

Someone told me that New York has more divorces than anywhere else in the USA.

That's a sad state of affairs.

[ChiefHandker]

Anyone hear about the farmer who won the Nobel peace prize? He was out-standing in his field.


Or about the farmer who got struck by lightning? Apparently there was a huge turnip at his funeral.

[ChiefHandker]

What's the difference between erotic and kinky??
Erotic = using a feather
Kinky = using the whole chicken


How can you tell when a woman is having a bad day? There's a tampon behind her ear and can't find her cigarette.

[Toolbox]

A minister decided that a visual demonstration
would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the
following results:

The first worm in alcohol...Dead.



The second worm in cigarette smoke...Dead.





Third worm in chocolate syrup...Dead.




Fourth worm in good clean soil...Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation,
What did you learn from this
demonstration?


Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service!

[Forrest]

A little girl came running into the house bawling her eyes out and
cradling her hand: "Mummy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!" she wailed.
"Why do you want a glass of cider?" asked her mum.
"I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away!"
Confused, but weary of the child’s whining, the mother obliged and poured
her a glass of cider. The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it.
"Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn’t work!" she whined.
"What are you talking about?" asked mum, "What ever made you think
that cider would ease your pain?"
"Well, I overheard big sis say that whenever she gets a prick in her
hand, she just has to stick it in cider"

[Forrest]

An Eskimo was on holiday in Wales.
While driving to the nearest shop he
had some trouble with the car he had
rented, so he called the local mechanic
who he had a look under the bonnet,
looked at the Eskimo and told him
"You've blown a seal mate"
The Eskimo replies,
"Yeah, well you fu*k sheep!"


A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says,
"You want to play 'Magic Sex'?"
She says, "What's that?"
He says, "We go to my house and fuck,
and then you disappear."

[Headlad]

How do you kill a circus?



Go for the juggler!


....I'll get me coat.

[Forrest]

Wondering how his popularity was among the children, the American president, George Bush visited a school.
After explaining a little bit of the governmental platform, he asked the kids if they had any questions.

Bob raised his hand and said: - I have 3 questions for you...

1) How did you manage to win the elections, even though you had less votes ?
2) Why do you want to attack Iraq without clear reasons ?
3) Don’t you think that the Hiroshima bomb was the biggest act of terrorism in the world’s history ?

At this very moment the bell rings and all the kids run out of the classroom.
After the break, Bush told the kids to feel free to ask him more questions and
this time Joey raised his hand and says: - I have 5 questions for you...

1) How did you manage to win in the elections, even though you had less votes ?
2) Why do you want to attack Iraq without clear reasons ?
3) Don’t you think that the Hiroshima bomb was the biggest act of terrorism in the world’s history ?
4) Why did the bell sound 20 minutes earlier today ?
5) Where’s Bob ?