Joke of the day

[Forrest]

This was a recorded conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in late 1995.(allegedly )

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[Forrest]

An attractive lady from Seattle was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down.
A local on horseback came along and offered her a ride to the nearest town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was pretty uneventful except that every few minutes
the guy would let out a "Whoop" so loud that it would echo from
the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at
the local service station, yelled one final "Yee haw" and rode off.
"Hey, what did you do to get him so fired up?" asked the service station attendant.
"Nothing," shrugged the woman, I merely sat behind him on the horse,
put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.
"Lady," the attendant said, "that guy was riding bareback..."

[Forrest]

This little fella joins the lazaratian Monks order and takes a vow of silence.
However, he's promised by the head Monk that he can speak two words per year.
After the first year the head Monk asks him his two words for the year.
He replies ... "More Blankets"
After his second year the head Monk asks him again his two words for the year.
He replies ... "More Food"
After the third year the head Monk asks him his two words for the year.
He replies ... "I'm Leaving"
The Head Monk says ... "Thank God...you've done nothing but moan since you got here!"

[dr love]

"Dad, whats the difference between a pussy and a cunt?" young son asks. "Look at this," says dad, as he lifts the sheets on his naked sleeping wife, "that's a pussy son." "Its lovely dad, can I touch it?" "NO son," says dad, "If you touch the pussy you'll wake the cunt up!"

[Forrest]

3 guys, 1 Irish, 1 English and 1 Scotch, are walking along the beach one day
and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was
a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."
So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish.
The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her,
so that nothing will get in for all eternity.
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England.
The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Scot says, "Ach, could you fill it up with water."

[dr love]

Paddy and his wife are searchin the room of there teenage daughter kay, they find a packet of fags and paddy cries '' oh lord our daughter is a smoker.'' A few moments later they find a bottle of vodka, paddy cries ''saints preserve us our little girl is an alcoholic!'' Next they find a packet of condoms ''GOD help us'' cried paddy. ''And shes got a fuckin penis!''

[shanamaniac]

I was on the train this morning and there was a stunning Thai bird sitting across from me all I could think was "Don't get an erection" "Don't get an erection" but she did.

[shanamaniac]

Little Johnny got kicked out of class today! His teacher asked him, "If I gave you €20 and you paid Janet €5, Kate €5 and Ann €5 what would you have?" Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab was the wrong answer.

[Toolbox]

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First job is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Then, realising that his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

He moves on to the second job - clearing out the Chimp house.

As soon as he starts in there he's attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. So he swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, hurling the corpses into the lion enclosure - because lions eat anything.

Finally he get to his third task, collecting honey from the South American Bees.

As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. Grabbing his trusty spade once more he smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage - because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. Wandering up to another lion the newcomer asks... "What's the food like here?"

The lions say... "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."

[Forrest]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting
on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says,
"Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.
I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really! Like a new-born baby!" , his friend replies.
"Yep", says Slim "No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants".